Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Eve of destruction, 12/8/09

Tomorrow I turn 41.
What to do once these limericks are done?
Will my idle hands seek
Out some evil unspeak-
able once this new freedom's begun?

Monday, December 7, 2009

Roy G. Biv, 12/7/09

In the night, the rain comes, the winds blow
Inundating the earth down below
But soon, sun ascends
And slowly it ends
As across the sky spreads the rainbow.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Croupier and croupier, 12/6/09

I mostly don't mind the poop.
Though the vomit's thrown me for a loop.
It's the hoarse, barking cough
That at night throws me off
As I fear the poor kid's caught the croup.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Tardy, 12/5/09

My apologies for being late
With the limericks I'm supposed to create
But please take consolation
In this explanation:
Some of them just aren't worth the wait.

Friday, December 4, 2009

This Limerick Has Been Delayed, 12/4/09

This limerick has been delayed
For almost a week now, today
I ran out of time
So now, here's the rhyme
Which I think mostly came out okay.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I've seen your true colors, 12/3/09

Irrespective, Nate, of what you think
And despite the bright hue of your drink
There's likely no chance
What you made in your pants
Will ever come out colored pink.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Such a waist, 12/02/09

In a writers' room one does a dance
With the unhealthy snacks that advance
On your willpower, waning
Till you're left explaining
Why you now wear expandable pants.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Are two jobs better than one? 12/1/09

That sick sinking feeling I've got
In my stomach's a Gordian Knot
As I pile on to
The work I've got to do
Which unfortunately's quite a lot.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Off Site, 11/30/09

If you've the need to prepare a
Script, but you've got nowhere to
Set your laptop
Then you go set up shop
At a Starbucks. Or maybe Panera.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Divide and conquer, 11/29/09

If only I could break in two
I'd be able to do what I do
More effectively
Come to think of it three's
What I'd like to be broken into.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Three to Five, 11/28/09

Where have you gone, Zachary?
I remember, before you turned three
You were smiley and smart
And you filled up my heart
But now you just seem so angry.

Friday, November 27, 2009

When in San Diego, 11/27/09

We could have gone to Legoland
Or swimming and played in the sand
Or gone to see Shamu
Or the park or the zoo
But we didn't. Hope you understand.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving, 11/26/09

The family fights over seating
The football, Detroit's chances fleeting
The Macy's Parade
Casseroles all displayed
And now let us give thanks by eating.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Road Trip, 11/25/09

When two boys are placed in the back
Of a car, going far, and you lack
The ability to
Play a DVD you
Might as well just tell them to attack.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Two Jobs Aren't Better Than One, 11/24/09

If this movie's story won't break
This job may have been a mistake
'Cause all day and all night's
More than I want to write
And there's only so much I can take.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Rock and Roil, 11/23/09

I wonder if I had a daughter
I'd be less hot under the collar
'Cause I swear I'll snap if
He keeps singing that riff
That begins the song "Smoke On The Water."

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Zach's Fifth Birthday, 11/22/09

A rock and roll party pastiche
With a buffet of pizza and quiche
As we blast "Back in Black"
And the children attack
Us like thirty-two freaks on a leash.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Beat (Cal), 11/21/09

The more things change, they stay the same
Said someone (can't recall the name).
And having just watched
Stanford's victory botched
That someone may have meant Big Game.

Friday, November 20, 2009

A/B, See? 11/20/09

"I'm going to work" he explained
The shirt he'd put on that day
"Well you look to me
Quite like a worker bee"
"Actually, Dad, he said, "worker A."

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Do Not Disturb, 11/19/09

All I want is to complete
One night of eight hours sleep
Without a kid yelling
Without a dog smelling
Without a cat biting my feet.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Swell Season, Lousy Upholstry, 11/18/09

On a seat at the Wiltern, I sit
Springs stabbing me through fabric's split
It's a good thing the show
Really rocks, 'cause you know
I'm getting too old for this shit.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Delizioso! 11/17/09

Nothing, it seems, is a treat.
You cook stuff for kids who don't eat.
And they hardly care
Until you prepare
Spaghetti and balls made of meat.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sometimes, 11/16/09

Sometimes things get lost in the mail.
Sometimes you try to no avail.
Sometimes you could choke
Sometimes life's such a joke
And sometimes there's no end to its tale.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Yellow Rage, 11/15/09

I understand sometimes it's rough
To be 4, when you've just had enough
But don't vent your frustration
With your micturation
In other words: don't pee on stuff.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Stanford vs. SC, 11/14/09

Not in the time I've been alive
Did I think that I would survive
To witness SC
Destroyed so completely

Friday, November 13, 2009

TMI, 11/13/09

When visiting your parents you
Do some things you'd rather not do
Like make up your bed
With the thought in your head
"These are sheets on which they used to screw."

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Business, 11/12/09

You've got some balls, calling me
As though we have no history
Or as if, at the end
You'd behaved as a friend
Instead of like an S.O.B.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Follow This, 11/11/09

If you think TV's in the shitter
Its content not worth its transmitter
You'll be happy to know
CBS plans a show
That's based on some guy's feed on Twitter.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Perchance to dream? 11/10/09

This morning at six we began
With the waking of our little man
So we brought him to bed
Hoping he'd rest his head
For a while. So much for that plan.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Is Misbehavin', 11/9/09

Zachary. What do we do
With a little boy who acts like you?
Are you jealous or worried?
Your temper's so hurried
I just hope all this shall pass, too.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

A Driving Force, 11/8/09

I'd like to drive a limousine
Not so that I would be seen
But so when my boys
Will not stop making noise
I could raise the privacy screen.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Saturday Night Fiver, 11/7/09

When you're a girl turning five
Apparently you want to jive
'Cause tonight we will go
To a birthday disco
Celebrating some stayin' alive.

Friday, November 6, 2009

I see some blue paint and I want to drink it all, 11/6/09

When you're barely older than two
I suppose it's expected that you
Will sometimes ingest
Things that really aren't best
For your stomach... and make your poo blue.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Writing Bug, 11/5/09

If the screenwriting bug has you bitten,
And with visions of glamour, you're smitten
That feeling you've got
Is assuredly not
About writing. It's about having written.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Grown-up Proofing, 11/4/09

It's like a breath of fresh air
Having no baby gate on the stair
And yet I still try
When I'm passing by
To avoid it, though it isn't there.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Kinderview, 11/3/09

The interview went, as it should
With us praising our eldest as good:
Creative, insightful!
Completely delightful!
They would love him, I think, Wildwood.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Switchwitch, 11/2/09

Each year after candy's collected
And the Halloween spoils dissected
The Switchwitch comes back
With a toy in her sack
For the candy that you have rejected.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

No Good Deed, 11/1/09

At our preschool it was "Mitzvah Day"
When we take our kids and duly say:
"We're here to help others.
Sick kids, with no mothers."
And they respond, "when can we play?"

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween! 10/31/09

That rock 'n' roll dude sure looks mean
But that pirate's the cutest I've seen
And they're coming for you
So what will you do?
Give them candy -- Happy Halloween!


Friday, October 30, 2009

'Twas the night before Halloween, 10/30/09

My children can hardly believe
The candy they're set to receive
That they border on spastic,
So enthusiastic
Are they this All Hallows' Eve's Eve.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Daylight savings, 10/29/01

I'd just like to thank Nate and Zach
Who no longer wake in pitch black
Which makes for a fun day...
Or it will until Sunday
When we have to turn the clocks back.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The wind blows, 10/28/09

Summer left us last night, in a huff
It's heat, it seems, had had enough
And so gave way to
The winds, how they blew
Knocking over a bunch of our stuff.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Newsunworthy, 10/27/09

My nightstand is starting to creak
Beneath issues unread, so I'll seek
Out a new magazine,
One that I haven't seen:
News-somewhat-less-than-a-week.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Pick up game, 10/26/09

As lawyerly legal tricks go,
This one's kinda starting to blow:
I'm not bound, yet not free
Because technically
They haven't yet picked up the show.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

A four year-old, the three ages of dinosaurs, and two slackjawed parents, 10/25/09

It's apparent his brain is capacious
As tonight he once more got loquacious
Telling us how he knows
The geology goes
Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Boys in the back seat, 10/24/09

Screaming like a banshee, a
Disobedient cacophony, the
Time that we'd had
Gone from lovely to bad...
And then came the diarrhea.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Optimism, 10/23/09

It might be too early to say
But it's possible that this screenplay
Is starting to break
And we just might make
A movie that's halfway okay.

Technical difficulties, 10/22/09

Yesterday, I tried to write
A limerick for this website
But it could not be posted
For the place that it's hosted
Was apparently down for the night.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

"You came back!" 10/21/09

At last, little, one you've adjusted
To preschool, decided you trusted
Things would be okay
While Mommy's away
Which is nice. Cause her patience was busted.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I changed our flights from China, the least you can do is smile, 10/20/09

Having flown back to LA
Just in time for the kids' picture day
We fully expect
That the pics will reflect
This sacrifice that we have made.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Home again, home again, 10/19/09

Our flight to Chicago, delayed
So there in Columbus we stayed
Then moved heaven and earth
And through Dallas/Ft. Worth
With a connection we barely made.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

East vs. West, 10/18/09

The cuisine of the Orient shows
That virtually anything goes
But the cuisine of Columbus
Is less of a rumpus
And this evening consists of Rubino's.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Not getting the memo, 10/17,09

I guess no one told OSU
That it's Wede's birthday, and to
Not lose the game
'Cause that'd be kind of lame
When she's 90 and it's just Purdue.

Friday, October 16, 2009

China, in hindsight, 10/16/09

Skip the train to Tibet, take the flight.
Skip seeing doggies that bite.
And once in Beijing
Just stay there, don't wing
Straight away to Xi'an for one night.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Now comes the hard part, 10/15/09

Having flown back from China alive
Now I just have to survive
A trip to Ohio
Where I have to fly to
With two children, both under five.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Pixellated, 10/14/09

His vocab expands unabated,
So much so it seems we've created
A child, age four
Who can complain your
Computer screen "is pixellated."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Monumental Error, 10/13/09

I have seen why the wall is called "Great"
And Tiananmen's Square's sides are straight
But the Forbidden City
Was so quick to admit me
A name change should probably be made.

Knock it off, 10/12/09

Rolexes, Pateks, and Tags
Chanel, Prada, and Vuitton bags
Anything you can wear
They've got it all here
And it's fake -- so the prices aren't bad.

To and Fro(ttage), 10/11/09

Arriving once more in Beijing
(It can wear on you, the traveling)
But fortunately
Around here, till 3
There are places that do massaging.

Ommmmmm...my god we're going to die, 10/10/09

The narrow road truly was scary
As we drove up to the monastery
So treacherous you'd a
Been praying to Buddha
Like I was -- and everyone near me.

Yak, yak, yak 10/9/09

Once you take it, you can't put it back
This savory linguiform snack
'Cause that's what you get
When you dine in Tibet:
The delectable tongue of the yak.

H1N1... NE1? NE1? 10/8/09

A pickle.  A fine mess.  A stew.
We may be in; what do we do
If, as it seems
We could be quarantined 
Suspected of having swine flu.

The little engine that not only could it did for 33 hours and I was on it, 10/7/09

33 hours by Train to Tibet
And among the things you cannot get:
Toilet paper and towels
Or a place to move your bowels
That isn't disgusting and wet.

Cock of the Ox, 10/6/09

From the fattiest meat to the leanest
What I ate tonight was the extremest:
A meal made of ox
Who'd surrendered their cocks
For a succulent bowlful of penis.

The Odyssey, 10/5/09

If you want to take some of the sting
Off a 13 hour flight to Beijing
Get an eye mask and then
Ingest one Ambien
And you won't remember a thing.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Packing it in, 10/4/09

I'd really better get packing
But sadly, inertia is lacking
So if I want to get
On that plane to Tibet
Then I'd probably better get cracking.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Zombieland, 10/3/09

This evening, as previously planned
We we went to a faraway land
Known as Sherman Oaks
Where we joined with some folks
And enjoyed us all some Zombieland

Friday, October 2, 2009

Sukkot, 10/2/09

Tonight a most pleasant Sukkot
A holiday that gets my vote
For oddest accessories
Lulov? Etrog? What are these?
Second place: Chanukah's sufganiyot.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

And then he wandered out into the hall, 10/1/09

I said good night, it was bedtime
And thought that things seemed to be fine.
But he said "I can't sleep"
I suggested "count sheep"
Which he did. Till he reached 409.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

La Fête du Barry, 9/30/09

Okay, here's how it's gonna be:
Tonight was la fête du Barry
And we ate and we ate
And now it is late
So I must bid you adieu, aujourd'hui

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

3.8 million deadly floor mats are out there, 9/29/09

Toyota has warned us it's vital
To act now (else we're suicidal)
So wherever you are
Just don't get in your car
Your floor mat's become homicidal.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Yom Kippur, 9/28/09

The day of atonement exists
In order that we not persist
In a life, solipsistic
And then we eat brisket
To make up for the food that we've missed.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

You call that a bargain? 9/27/09

Tomorrow a Jew ought to fast
To atone for the sins of his past
But Lord, if on that day
There's a breakfast buffet
And it's free -- then how long must he last?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Suite Life of Zach & Natesy, 9/26/09

You'd think that a stay in a suite
Would be to live like the elite
But if I move at all
In this bed, I'll hit wall
With both of the soles of my feet.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Self-Discipline, 9/25/09

"No!" I said, with a shout
And he turned himself right about
"Over here?" he asked me
I replied, "Yes sirree"
And he put himself in time out.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Bedtime, 9/24/09

There's nothing quite like when you hold your
Littlest, snug on your shoulder
And say, "I love you,"
And he says, "Love you, too."
And you wish that he'd never get older.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Slacker, 9/23/09

I really should not wait until
The end of the night when the will
To come up with a rhyme's
Just a fight against time
And a search for enough syllables.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Codpiece and all, 9/22/09

When asked to provide a CV
I sift through my life, generally
And sum up the stages
In one or two pages
Describing my work history.

But I always make sure to include
Some stuff that in most cases you'd
Generally not expect --
Like the pages reflect
I'm a literal Renaissance dude.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Too early to rise, 9/21/09

Does anyone know how to fix
A kid who gets up before six?
Cause if you have advice
It sure would be nice
To know if there are any tricks.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Playground Parents 9/20/09

You're either one or the other:
You ignore them or constantly hover.
Either gab on your phone
Or can't leave them alone
And your name is now so-and-so's mother.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

A pain in the chest, 9/19/09

The pain in her chest came on curiously
Then grew fast and ever so furiously
That she couldn't breathe
What is this disease?
Well, apparently, it's known as pleurisy.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Obfuscatory, 9/18/09

It's not my place to provide
You the details from the inside
So I can't really say
Yes or no, either way
Hope that's clear. And if not, well, I tried.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

This limerick has not been approved, 9/17/09

This limerick has not been approved.
And therefore it has been removed.
Once declassified
Then we will provide
The location where it may be viewed.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A little less conversation, 9/16/09

If I had it to do over I would
Have said, "sorry, I sure wish I could"
And then gone right to bed
But, sadly, instead
This evening has led to no good.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It's a Snooze, 9/15/09

Slogans to sell Simply Sleep:
"Like Ambien... only it's cheap."
"Rest You Can Eat."
"Triple-Z-Treat."
"This Pill Contains Counted Sheep."

Monday, September 14, 2009

Government Work, 9/14/09

The reason that I have come here
To DC is simple: I care.
So terror we'll fight
With guys who used to write
Episodes of BJ & The Bear.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

2 going on 20, 9/13/09

He's usually off counting sheep,
No fuss and no muss -- not a peep.
But now he can talk
And so I had to walk
Right back in to hear "I can't sleep."

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Book 'Em, 9/12/09

Lower your voice. Can't you see
That screaming is unnecessary?
I know that you're two
But for god's sake can't you
Understand we are in a library?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Goodbye Larry, 9/11/09

Too soon the great ones depart
And so it is with heavy heart
We must bid adieu
And give our thanks to
A true talent, Larry Gelbart.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dear Jerkoff, 9/10/09

Dear jerkoff: I received your note
Explaining how you plan to coat
My curb with my address
Unless I express
I don't want it. So jerkoff: I don't.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Fly me, I'm decomposing, 9/9/09

Ah, the joy of compost.
"I'm greener than you" you can boast
As nature degrades
The food waste that you made.
Though the maggots are just kind of gross.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Power Tool, 9/8/09

At back-to-school night the routine
Is generally pretty serene
But at tonight's talk
There was horror and shock
Involving a sewing machine.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Fantasy Football Season 2009, 9/7/09

Each year, some portion is luck
Some persistence, some timing, some pluck
And then there are years
When you tear out your hair
'Cause the bottom line is: you just suck.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Into each life, 9/6/09

To Oxnard, in hot pursuit
Of sand and surf in a swimsuit
And then along came
Unexpected Rainn
(Wilson -- you know, 'Dwight Schrute').

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Parenting, 9/5/09

The yelling, the scratching, the fighting
The pulling, the tattling, the biting
The spilling, the breaking
The crack-of-dawn waking
Children: they make life exciting.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Citibank, 9/4/09

When the credit card company's had
It's data stolen, that's bad
But when this snafu
Ends up costing you
Take injury, insult, and add.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Like flight 1549, but with a pair of sunglasses. 9/3/09

All I heard was the "uh oh."
Never even saw my glasses go
Still, I searched the surf
And somehow unearthed
The shades from the briny below.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Wife 1, Corporation 0. 9/2/09

The back to school shopping today
Took us to our local Target
Where we'd not be denied
The discount: applied.
'Cause you don't mess with Miss Maggie May.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Food for worms, 9/1/09

Dumping the bucket was gross
As the smell wafted up to my nose
But the feeling I got
Sort of offset the rot
As we began our first compost.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Heat rises, 8/31/09

Don't get me wrong, I like the sun
As much as you -- or anyone
But when it gets this hot
It sucks when you've not
Got working AC on floor 1.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Station Fire, 8/30/09

The fires still rage to the east
Devouring hills like a beast
Making skies choke
As they belch forth their smoke
And wonder when we'll see relief.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for three. 8/29/09

Sunscreen, sweat, grease, and some grit
I'm pretty much covered in it
Back in the house
Post two days with the Mouse™
And mostly the trip was a hit.

If we could just get Zachary in
The Pirates of the Carribean
We'd all sing "yo ho"
But he just won't go
So we just took little Natesy in.

Friday, August 28, 2009

With great power ought to come better clothing. 8/28/09

Your t-shirt proclaims "Old Guys Rule"
But you kind of look like a tool
Leading me to believe
That your potency
Depends on me being a fool.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

A day at the beach is like a day at the beach, 8/27/09

No kids and a day at the beach
Was not a concept within reach
Or so I believed
Because today we
Had just that -- and man, was it sweet.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Boondoggle 8/26/09

Analysts, based in DC
Working on security
And battling terror
May have made an error
'Cause a panelist next month is... me.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Rockdog, 8/25/09

Tibetan dog goes to Beijing
Becomes rock star (I guess he can sing)
The story is thin
But, hey, count me in
If they're paying, well hell that's something.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Allergies Begone! 8/24/09

At last now they say he is free,
Pronounced past his vast allergies
And won't have to beg
For a grape or an egg
Unless he relapses. We'll see.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Striped Back, 8/23/09

Make sure that you sunscreen the whole
Of your back, at the beach or else you'll
End up looking like me,
Sort of red and white streaked
Like a magically live barber pole.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Killing them softly, 8/22/09

The party: anniversary.
The years since they wed: 43.
The tribute: in song.
The words: not all wrong.
The method: bad karaoke.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Deceived by the sun, 8/21/09

The morning so clear, everyone
Agreed that the beach would fun
So our plans all got changed
And we went. And it rained.
The moral: you can't trust the sun.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Surf City, 8/19/09

"It will be fun" I was assured
And a four year-old won't be ignored
So together we
Waded into the sea
To go surfing... and I was the board.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Going #1 while holding son #2, 8/18/09

When "up!" is a constant demand
And you find yourself undermanned
You learn rapidly
That you can go pee
And wash up with only one hand.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Brothers in Arms

"He hit me" comes oft the refrain
But the truth is that there is no pain
Except in my hiney
From you being whiny
So zip it till someone's been maimed.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

My boys, 8/16/09

When people, on meeting my sons
Ask me and my wife "are you done?"
I say "yes, we are,"
And today in the car
I would've been prior to one.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Road Trip, 8/15/09

On the cusp of our trip to Del Mar
Despite that it's not very far
We've got so much shit
I'm concerned it won't fit
When tomorrow we pack up the car.

Friday, August 14, 2009

It's draining, it's boring. 8/14/09

Corporate accounting is fun!
If, I suppose you're someone
Who likes to dissect
Every receipt and check
And can't see any use for the sun.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

And that's a wrap? 8/13/09

The producer was ready to spill
All the details -- right up until
You wandered our way
Causing him not to say
Anything. You, I'm ready to kill.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Shots? 8/12/09

At the alcohol store with my son
I had to explain there are some
Who apparently feel a
Bottle of tequila
Should come in the shape of a gun

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Head Games, 8/11/09

My brain filled with meaningless babel
As tiles turn in it, the rabble
Keeps me in confusion
And thus the conclusion
That I am addicted to Scrabble.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Bookkeeping, 8/10/09

For months I've not had the heart
To even look once at the chart
Of our savings, receded
Recesssion-depleted
And I don't think I'm about to start.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Rolling the dice, 8/9/09

The gas back on in our abode
Allows us the washing to load
And cook and take showers
For hours and hours
Assuming that we don't explode.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Out of gas, 8/8/09

No oven or water that's hot
Stove, furnace, A/C, 'cause we've got
No gas to the house
So we'll do without
Cleaning ourselves till we rot.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Hollywood. 8/7/09

We went and we pitched the movie
And now simply have to wait and see
If we'll write the script
Or if we're just stripped
Of the ideas we had, like they were free.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Night, 8/6/09

At the end of the day, at the hour
The sun drops and shadows devour
Its withdrawing rays,
It at last breaks its gaze
Giving in to the night's waxing power.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Nickled and Dimed, 8/5/09

When you've a posse you pay,
Agent, manager, WGA
Lawyer and IRS
CPA... it's a mess
And what's left at the end of the day?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sticky, 8/4/09

Disneyland's quite a fine time
If you don't have to wait in the lines
And, after several hours
Back at home in the shower
You're able to wash off the grime.

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Gas Man Cometh, 8/3/09

The smell was familiar. The kind
You'd prefer not to wake up and find
Turned out to be gas
Which explains the blast
That blew up your house and your mind.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

For Personal Use Only, 8/2/09

The movies that I want to see
Are had locally for no fee
The library provides 'em
And I digitize 'em
Right on to my Apple TV.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Saturday afternoon, 8/1/09

Nice to have friends with a pool
And a house that is totally cool
If only the boys
Wouldn't make so much noise
I'd feel like less of a tool.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Too Many Notes, 7/31/09

When expressing that thing that you thought
Try not to get too overwrought
For the more words you use
Don't explain, they confuse,
Obfuscating more often than not.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Closure, 7/30/09

No office. No pencils. No desk.
No lunch orders. Nothing is left
But to clean out the drawer
And to wonder if you're
Headed east or remaining out west.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

That's Entertainment? 7/29/09

Maybe I don't want to switch
From TV for this movie pitch
If these machinations
Are some indication
That the feature world is a bitch.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

October is the cruelest month, 7/28/09

My son tells me if I am seen
In the same costume this Halloween
That people "will fight you"
Which seems a damn sight to
Me like these people are mean.

Monday, July 27, 2009

In Case of Emergency Limerick, 7/27/09

In the event that I'm ever found bleeding,
Unconscious and possibly needing
Transfusing, don't fuss
My type is A+
Write it down -- and thanks so much for reading.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

It only took 2 1/2 years, 7/26/09

It's possible we may regret
Returning to him the drum set
That we said we would save
Until he could behave.
Which he now knows was no idle threat.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Ghetto Bird, 5/25/09

The LAPD overhead
Is enough to shake you from your bed
As they circle the sky
In search of some guy
While you speculate "somebody's dead..."

Friday, July 24, 2009

No, I'm not doing product integration, I just like the tacos, 724/09

Some people like to eat Chee-tos
While others prefer their burritos
As for me, there's no time
When I'd not get in line
For the tacos that they serve at Tito's.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Car Repair, 7/23/09

"Your lower control arms are shot
And two new tires ought to be bought.
Plus your throttle body
And torque mounts are shoddy.
I hope that's four grand that you've got."

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Zachary & The Giant Goose Egg, 7/22/09

See, that's what your eyes are for
To guide you as you cross the floor
So next time I'm hoping
You'll keep them both open
And not walk straight into a door.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

It's the little things, 7/21/09

It's almost a sure thing if you
Stay up till a quarter till two
That you can count on
Being woken pre-dawn
It's like somehow the baby just knew.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Imposter? 7/20/09

He excused himself when he was done
Stopped when he was told not to run
Said he loved his mother
Kissed and hugged his brother.
Who are you, and where is my son?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Excuses, excuses, 7/19/09

I'm dirty and greasy and tired
From the weekend that has just transpired
Trips north and trips south
Fixing things round the house...
I'm beat, and so less-than-inspired.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Traffic, 7/18/09

Santa Barbara is nice in the summer
But the traffic back home is a bummer
As you sit in the throng
Barely inching along
Behind some a-hole in a stretch Hummer.

Friday, July 17, 2009

You what? 7/17/09

Your Mother is not a robot
You can push down and break, so do not
Ever say that again
Or never is when
You'll see Disneyland; give it some thought.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Tobacco & Alcohol, 7/16/09

Dinner last night went too far.
So tonight I kept things to the bar.
The meal was urban
Consisting of bourbon
And for dessert just a cigar.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Unhandyman, 7/15/09

Someone pulled, and so caused to fall
The towel bar off of the wall
Leaving holes to repair
But the real problem here
Is I'm nowhere near handy at all.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Last Days of Season 1, 7/14/09

The whiteboards are back to their whitest
As we wade through the season's detritus
Little left to be done
On this, season one.
Our last medical case: senioritis.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I have some good news and... 7/13/09

She said "I've got news for you, honey,
And the thing is, well, this may sound funny,
The script -- it's a go
Just as long as you know
That the network has run out of money."

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Westside Tavern, 7/12/09

At long last we finally tried
The Tavern that's on the Westside
And damn, it was good
So when you're in the 'hood
I suggest you head promptly inside.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

The Sleepover, 7/11/09

It's nice to have the company
For the wife, and the kids, and for me.
I just hope that they're sleeping
Or else I'll be weeping
When I'm up at a quarter to three.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Fromage, 7/10/09

The anticipation increases
As the finish line can't help but tease us
So we eat, we rejoice
And our cuisine of choice
Is wine and way too many cheeses.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

A Royal Pain, 7/9/09

We're almost through, get out the fork
'Cause this pig's about to be pork
Done, through and through
Now as for Season 2
Just don't make me move to New York.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

123456789, 7/8/09

Today, if you looked at the time
At precisely one moment you'd find
The hour and date
Would enumerate
12:34:56 7/8/09

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

But He's Crafty, 7/7/09

It's not that I think he was reckless
And certainly wouldn't say feckless
I'm just not sure that
Our twelve year-old cat
Has all that much use for a necklace.

Monday, July 6, 2009

A 2 year-old's logic, 7/6/09

Allow me to give him a plug, it's
Like his new vocab is a drug, it's
Fun to use words
Like "dogs", "cats", or "birds"
Or "chickens" -- which he calls "chicken nuggets."

Sunday, July 5, 2009

And on the fifth, sixth, and seventh days, he rested... 7/5/09

If only all weekends were three
Days long, I think that we'd be
Much happier, healthier
And possibly wealthier
This petition's beginning with me.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

July 4, 2009

Despite all our nation's concerns
I'll say many happy returns
To the ol' USA
On this, its birthday
And hope for few firework burns.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Working for the little man, 7/3/09

For this, I can't say I've waited.
But maybe it's what we're all fated
To one day become
As today my son
Said "I'm Zachary... Incorporated."

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Before the sons go down, 7/2/09

To walk through the door and hear cries
Of "Daddy!" cut me down to size.
Because these days I creep
In the door; they're asleep
And I really miss seeing those guys.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Footstrike Anemia? 7/1/09

This anemia's really quite cunning
But this diagnosis is stunning;
The issue could very
Well be ordinary:
That once in a while I go running.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Eat, Write, Eat, Write, Eat, Write, Repeat 6/30/09

It's nice to have irons and fire.
But also, it's nice to retire
At a half-decent hour
So it's within your power
To wake up and feel inspired.

Monday, June 29, 2009

The presence of presents, 6/29/09

Our home's a confusion of plastic
Making both my sons go spastic
Toys, balls, and balloons
Fill up all our rooms...
I may have to do something drastic.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Nate's Birthday Party, 6/28/09

Nate, I hope you had a ball.
(There were plenty of them, wall-to-wall)
You bounced and had cake
And got to stay up late
A good time, I think, was had by all.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Or close enough, anyway, 6/27/09

The decision I had trouble making
Regarding my starter was taking
Time that it need not
Because what I'd forgot
Is pork belly's real close to bacon.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Happy Birthday Natesy! 6/26/09

My son, one day when you're a man we'll
Talk about you at two and you'll
Hear tales of tickles
And gabba and pickles.
Happy birthday to you, my Nathaniel.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Rule of 3, 6/25/09

They say that things happen in threes
And by "things" they mean "tragedies."
But if you ask me, I
Think that's just how we try
To make sense of the nonsense we see.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

In A Fog, 6/24/09

If only someone had advised
Me that when your kids are still pint-sized,
There's more to their routine
Than the things that you've seen...
Sometimes they must be nebulized.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Outta Here, 6/23/09

I don't want to be writing this poem.
I'd much rather be on my way home.
But I've three lines to write
Now just two, end in sight:
Here's the last one. Now I must be going.

Monday, June 22, 2009

More Cooks, More Cooks! 6/22/09

Script written, the weight has been lifted
Which means now the burden has shifted
To the folks in the suits
Whose notes of no use
Will confirm that they're not very gifted.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Consider The Oyster, 6/21/09

An oyster can go to and fro
From male to female, so
If the mood strikes its shell
Melinda's now Mel.
Which is sort of like Chastity Bono.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Del Mar, 6/20/09

"On Death and Dying" I've read
Know the stages of grief in my head
But the reality
Of her mortality
Isn't theory. It's there, in her bed.

Friday, June 19, 2009

I'm a little tired, 6/19/09

If only the viewers could see
Behind the screens of their TVs
And into the process
Of writing this nonsense
That just might end up killing me.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

One Way or Another, 6/18/09

We're right now at the darkest spot
In the tunnel, and all that we've got
Is the hope there's a light,
That we'll make it all right...
Or that death will come swiftly, if not.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Oral Tradition, 6/18/09

Like father like son; there's a truth
In that age-old adage, and proof
Is that my eldest son
Did today as I'd done
As a child... and knocked out a tooth.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Child's Play, 6/16/09

My four year old likes my laptop
He'll go online and won't want to stop
Which I don't mind
At least until such time
As he figures out how to shop.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Consolation, 6/15/09

At seven, I thought we were fine.
We'll finish this thing in no time.
But then we got tripped
Up, the end of the script
Was a bitch... but at least there was wine.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

In a shocking twist, 6/14/09

"Daddy, will you rest with me?"
Each night he asks, perpetually
"All right," I said
And lay down on the bed
He closed his eyes. And went to sleep.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

It was all downhill from there, 6/13/09

The view was great, there was a breeze
There was wine and beer and cake and cheese
If only the lawn
That it was held on
Weren't inclined at 40 degrees

Friday, June 12, 2009

Cybersquat, 6/12/09

Twitter, I'm technically on
But only because my name's gone
Snatched up by some vermin
Who goes by @jonsherman
Leaving me @shermanjon

But don't you go following me
'Cause there will be nothing to see
All the pith that I got
Is reserved for this spot.
(Or failing that, banality).

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Your Mantra: "I am employed", 6/11/09

When the ladies who vacuum the floor
Come in through the office door
It's a pretty good sign
That you've spent too much time
At work... and then you work some more.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

For the fans. Both of them. 6/10/09

I'm not sure you should have confessed
That with jonsherman.com you're obsessed
'Cause given that you're
Right outside my door
I might have to be more repressed.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The last day of production, 6/9/09

Awakened by thunder and lightning
I knew that today would be frightening
And production would curse
Shooting exteriors
And I prayed for the sky to start brightening.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Production, 6/8/09

Thrown into the deep end I thought
Dear lord, what the hell have I got
Myself into with this
Exhausting business?
But tomorrow... I'll miss it a lot.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Oops. 6/7/09

The script done, the weekend was mine
To enjoy with my wife on our time
(Except I neglected
To send out reflected
The changes in scene twenty nine).

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The Way We Are, 6/6/09

To market, (Spice Market) we go
For dinner, then off to a show
It's like a memory
Of who we used to be
Before children, oh so long ago.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Maggie May, 6/5/09

At last, the Maggie has landed!
So once this production's disbanded
It's back to Manhattan
Where I will get fat on
The sweet one who my life's enchanted.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Yesterday, 6/4/09

I went to bed without a thought
'Cause At one thirty there's simply not
A moment to lose
If you want to snooze
So this limerick it just got forgot

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Incompleat Pratt, 6/3/09

For Avery Pratt, and so for me
The stars aligned in NYC
This could be my last chance
To see this thing dance
So I'm counting on you, IFC.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Extreme Working Conditions, 6/2/09

At 1 am I'm not my best
So I'll not rhyme under duress
But will instead
Go climb into bed
And pray that I'll get some rest.

Monday, June 1, 2009

The Best Laid Plans, 6/1/09

A long day I thought would conclude
With a quick trip out to get some food
Then right into bed
But one thing it led
To another, and now I'm just screwed.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Erev Hell, 5/31/09

Tomorrow, my day starts before five
And so if I am to survive
I must go to bed
Before ten, lest I dread
The hours left I am alive.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

NY, 5/30/09

New York. Like a modern day Rome,
Is a circus, a citadel grown
Beyond its conceit,
Beyond endless concrete
To become possibility's home.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Unless I'm still on west coast time, 5/29/09

Damn it. I looked at my wrist
My watch telling me that I'd missed
My daily deadline
To record things in rhyme.
Yet I've no time to be ful of wist.

After all, for all things there's a first
Time. And it's not the worst
Thing that's come to pass
That a day has elapsed
And I didn't observe it in verse.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Beast in the East, 5/28/09

Midnight, somewhere in New York
I think somewhere close to North Fork
I've been kidnapped by the
Cruelest mistress, TV
And she feeds me dry, overcooked pork.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sick, Home, 5/27/09

If, with your kids you have flown,
You look forward to traveling alone.
So how to explain
I've yet to board the plane
And already I'm missing home.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

To My Wife, 5/26/09

Happy birthday to you, Maggie Sherman
You deserve it -- and so I'm determined
To make your bon anniversaire
Le meillure, ma chère
(Or die besten geburtstag, in German).

Monday, May 25, 2009

Don't tell Mommy about the CD we made, 5/25/09

Keeping a secret is tough
When you're four and just learning to bluff
So I felt some small pride
When my son white-lied
"Just talking about trucks and stuff."

Sunday, May 24, 2009

A birthday party, a BBQ, and thou, 5/24/09

Today we found ourselves cramming
In two parties while faintly damning
The luck of distraction
And pool party action
As we spent the whole day enjambing.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Memorial Day through the eyes of a 4 year old, 5/23/09

Approaching Memorial Day
We decided that we would explain
To our son Zachary
About cemeteries...
Now he wants to dig up remains.

Friday, May 22, 2009

I'm not totally clear on the last part, but why else would you need a loaded gun in a National Park? 5/22/09

No longer must we live in fear
At our National Parks, as now we're
Permitted to bring
Our loaded guns in
And shoot the shit out of a bear.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Story That Just Wouldn't Break, 5/21/09

The story that just wouldn't break
Dear lord, how long will this take?
Perhaps it's the premise
That threatens to hem us
In till we can't stay awake.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Scheduling Conflicts, 5/20/09

At some point I'd like to stop thinking
And go home and get to the drinking
For attenuating
Too much cogitating
For my brain that is rapidly shrinking.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

It's a job and someone's gotta do it, 5/19/09

The moment between the audition
And your receiving a position
Is one part elation
Offset by deflation
As you contemplate the transition

Monday, May 18, 2009

Out, Out, 5/18/09

I'm starting to find it concerning
Though an income is nice to be earning
That this candle of mine
Is lit most of the time
And that more than just two ends are burning.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Like a dog, 5/17/09

Why do they call them weekends
When the work that you do just extends
From Friday to Monday
Without even one day
To just have a drink with some friends?

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Friday, May 15, 2009

It's a drama, not a melodrama, 5/15/09

I know that they're paying me money
But still their wrongheadedness stuns me
And so despite the note
I will keep what I wrote
And not make it any less funny.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Pardon my Yoda, 5/14/09

And suddenly out of the blue
A project that lacked a venue
Could be resuscitated
And I'm just elated
So posted I'll be keeping you.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Let it Go, Cheney, 5/13/09

Anyone else getting sick
Of Cheney, determined to stick
To his guns, graft, and greed
And torture decreed?
I guess that's why he goes by "Dick."

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

If I knew then what I know now I'd now know what I knew then... unless I forgot it, 5/12/09

If back in time I could go
The thing I would want me to know
Is "sleep while you can
'Cause Jon, my old man,
Your kids wake up at 5 or so."

Monday, May 11, 2009

Willful Ignorance, 5/11/09

How is it I'm so unprepared
For what's hung for so long in the air?
And how can it be
That the mortality
Of my parents is suddenly here?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

At least four bottles, but who's counting? 5/10/09

"Happy Mother's Day!" was the refrain
Heard over and over again
As we never stopped
And the corks popped and popped.
How'd the hell we drink that much Champagne?