Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Automotively, Generally Getting Specific, 3/31/09

Goodbye Pontiac and GMC,
And Saturn, a farewell to thee.
Saab's demise makes me blue
Hummer's death? Overdue
This is GM -- but now what's the 'G'?

Monday, March 30, 2009

Usage, 3/30/09

When trying to master your words
Adjectives turn into verbs
You'll no longer doubt this
Once you "inside-out" this
As my son has me do with his shirts.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

He's not wrong, 3/29/09

Some children like music or art
Still others trend more towards Descartes
But mine has eschewed
Those for something more rude:
"Daddy, I was born to fart."

Saturday, March 28, 2009

It's Still Basketball, 3/28/09

It's March Madness and tonight I
Will root for my team, do or die
As I try to ignore
That out on the floor
Isn't one single chromosome Y.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Definition of Anticlimax, 3/27/09

90 minutes on the phone in a fight
For the pay-per-view movie to work right
And then, finally,
In full screen HD...
The 9 o'clock showing of Twilight?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

This is no time for small talk, 3/26/09

The good news: the prostate's okay
And I only feel slightly more gay
It was after I hated
While still lubricated
As the doctor chit-chatted away.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

For Men Only (on the eve of my first post-40 physical), 3/25/09

The thought of it's really quite heinous
But the doctors insist to maintain us
That they have to shove
First a hand in a glove
Then a finger up into your anus.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Someone should go get a taser
And go use it on Brian Grazer
Then once he's on the ground
They should just go to town
On his asinine hair with a razor

Monday, March 23, 2009

A Most Unfortunate Angle, 3/23/09

From the urinal at work where you
Stand there's a disturbing view:
In the glare of the wall
There's a rear in the wall
Of the guy who is sitting to poo.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Working Against The Weekend, 3/22/09

Two dinners, four bottles of wine
Make for a weekend that's fine
But when you've work to do
These diversions mean you
Are still working at 12:49.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Workin' on the Weekend, 3/21/09

He went down for his nap with a hush
I went downstairs to work in a rush
And though I wrote fast
The boy's nap didn't last
And so what I accomplished: not much.

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Room, 3/20/09

Some days in a writers' room
Are like being stuck in a vacuum
Where you finish your lunch
And you have a hunch...
But even your hunch meets its doom.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Besides, it's after my bedtime, 3/19/09

There are places that I will not go
Things I prefer not to know
So despite all the drama
I won't watch Obama
'Cause I can't stomach the Tonight Show

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Burgermeister, No Longer Moribund, 3/18/09

There's a dive bar nearby called Hinano
Much about which I simply did not know
But now it appears
That their burgers and beers
Are terrific -- so off to it I go!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

When Jewish Eyes Are Smilin', 3/17/09

Mmm, corned beef and cabbage and lots of
Stout and potatoes, but what's off
About this repast
Is that what we had last
Was a whole slab of dark chocolate matzo.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Outnumbered, 3/16/09

I wish my poor wife would get better
But I don't think our two kids will let her
Since they don't turn off
She's still got a bad cough
I swear, it's like they're out to get her.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Wrong Side of Bed, 3/15/09

Today was just one of those days
As the sun warmed the earth with its rays
You woke praying the moon
Would for god's sake come soon
'Cause your kids have you already crazed.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Tonight, we had a really great meal, 3/14/09

A great restaurant is a place to
Really savor the flavors you chew
But when you're with your kids
Then what makes it great is
That nobody complained about you

Friday, March 13, 2009

I said 'kvetch', not 'fetch', 3/13/09

I just learned there are people who'll
Throw parties I say make them fools.
Such as the "Bark Mitzvah"
Which to me seems just seems it's a
Competition to be 'Best in Schul.'

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Sentencing is set for June 16, 3/12/09

Nature's been said to abhor
A vacuum -- but, even more
It really can't stand
One particular man:

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Pillow Of Death, 3/11/09

Our bedtime's a bit like roulette
That depends on the pillow you get:
And when the pillow of death
Lands beneath your neck's breadth
You awake with a pain you regret.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Building imaginations (by killing trees), 3/10/09

Before you're a parent the part
No one warns you about at the start
Is how once they can draw
That you'll soon be in awe
At the proliferation of art.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Get Well Soon! 3/9/09

A weekend away should delight us.
A brief absence should serve to unite us.
But from Palm Desert my
Wife's returned with pinkeye
And a case of severe laryngitis.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Getting dizzy with it, 3/8/09

A trip to the playground, unplanned.
A ride you can spin with one hand.
The cries, "Daddy, faster!"
And then, the disaster:
The vomiting onto the sand.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

If only I were unemployed and childless, I could sleep in, 3/7/09

Tonight we spring forward, which means
It's later right now than it seems.
And that at six tomorrow
(Or five -- do you follow?)
I'll be conscious thanks just to caffeine.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Esther Westchester makes the New York Times, 3/6/09

I'm taking today as a sign.
Because in today's New York Times
Along with the bad news
The Purim show that Jews
Are putting on got a few lines


Thursday, March 5, 2009

An early night, 3/5/09

Driving home I was so happy
To rush through the rush hour madly
Knowing I'd see my sons
Before their days were done.
And come through the door to hear "Daddy!"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Whole Megillah, 3/4/09

Upon hearing the story of Purim
Our preschooler now believes we're in
The role of aggressors
As parents, oppressors
And of this we now need to cure him.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Poll Position, 3/3/09

Today in LA we elected
(Or perhaps, I suppose, we rejected)
The mayor, controller
Something about solar...
I abstained 'cause I feel disaffected.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Life isn't a highway, it's a yo-yo, 3/2/09

I know I should be celebrating
That I've lost weight -- and yet I am waiting
'Cause since January
I've gained and lost the same three
Frigging pounds, which is getting frustrating.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

What's weirder is we don't even call it a binkie, 3/1/09

When his blankie and binkie both fall
B's! the baby will call
And it's cute as can be
Though what's puzzling me
Is I know that he can't spell at all.