Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Yeah, I know, it's inappropriate, 12/31/08

Let's celebrate, it's the new year!
2009's finally here!
And it's not a bit shockin'
That Dick Clark's still rockin'
(Only now it's in a rockin' chair).

Wheee. 12/31/08

I guess that you know you're old when
You find it a moment of zen
Not commemorating
New Year's Eve celebrating
But by watching it on CNN.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Summary Judgement, 12/30/08

A playdate, My mother, Aunt G...
Sister, Nephew, remove xmas tree...
Meet gate fix-it guy...
Guess it's no wonder I
Am exhausted.  It's 7:03.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Grading on a curve, 12/29/08

Once again it's that time of year to
Take a moment, reflect, and review.
And having reviewed
I've come to conclude
That 2008 gets an F.U.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

My Current State of Mind, 12/28/08

Tonight I'm in a foul mood
Feeling like I just might come unglued
Over job prospects (few)
And what I may have to do
If I don't get work soon... man, I'm screwed.

But at least I haven't been laid off
Or lost money to that Bernie Madoff
I'm just unemployed
And kind of annoyed
Which I guess isn't too bad a tradeoff.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Epic Limerick Sequence #1, 12/27/08

This evening my Mom hits the floor
I think, "Oh God, she's dying for sure."
And then in runs my son
Screams, "I called 911!"
Which turns out to be premature.

As my Mother, it seems, is just fine
And just needs a moment of time.
And fortunately
We never did teach
Our son to first check for a line.

So the lesson here?  Make sure that you
Teach your four year-old that you have to
1. Pick up the phone.
2. Get a dial tone.
Or 911's pretty much moot.

Friday, December 26, 2008

I'll Level With You, 12/26/08

A guy asked me, "Jon, why the limerick?"
(For our purposes, let's just call him 'Rick').
And I said, "Honestly,
Rick, between you and me,
Sometimes a guy just needs a gimmick."

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Engorged, 12/25/08

Enough of you, Christmas Day!
With your chocolates, your cheeses, filet,
Your cocktails, your pie,
And your wine... Jesus Christ.
I have no idea what I weigh.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

'Twas The Night, 12/24/08

'Tis the season when I make a big fuss
(A sore spot twixt me and the missus
'Cause she likes a tree
And not so much, me).
Ah, to hell with it: Good Erev Christmas.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Fantasy/Reality, 12/23/08

When will I learn, I ask, when
That my teams made of fake football men
Bring no fantasy glory
Just the same old sad story.
And yet next year I'll do it again.

My Son, My Son, 12/22/08

I don't know what goes on in that brain
It's like he's on speed or cocaine
The meltdowns, the growling
The babbling, the scowling
Is he four... or is he insane?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Hanukkah Hints for Hapless Husbands, 12/21/08

The first night of Hanukkah's fun.
A gift shows you care for someone.
Unless you forgot
In which case you ought
To get to the jewelry store, son.

Bright & Solitary Morning, 12/21/08

The morning was perfectly clear
And the stroller was loaded with gear
To the park, boys, let's go!
Let's meet folks we don't know!
But we were the only ones there.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Two little letters. 12/20/08

My name's Jon. So I think if you
Have known me since '92
You'll know why it's hard
To like the Christmas card
That you mailed to "Maggie & Lou."

Friday, December 19, 2008

Too Much Information, 12/19/08

Maybe I've lost more weight than I thought
'Cause today when I sat on the pot
It was one of those johns
That'll flush once you're gone 
But I was there and it just wouldn't stop.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

12/18/08

All this ink that's increasingly red
Is starting to mess with my head.
And I fear for my wife
And my kids. And our life
If I don't start winning more bread.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Snap, it's cold! 12/17/08

I seriously think we may freeze.
The rain's cold and the wind whips the trees
As though some cosmic joke
On we poor L.A. folk.
Like, I swear, it's like fifty degrees.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

'Tis the F*&%ing Season, 12/16/08

You would have been screaming, too.
Ninety minutes in line just so you
Could get a quick pic
Of your kids with St. Nick
And the irony is I'm a Jew.

Life with a 4 year-old, 12/16/08

The 5am wake-up's fantastic!
I spring from my bed like elastic!
Up for some fun
Hours before the sun!
Note: I am being sarcastic.

Monday, December 15, 2008

My Kid's on Drugs, 12/15/08

My eldest son's still got bronchitis
His lungs filled with a phlegmy detritus
So now we're to fill him
With Amoxicillin
'Cause the Zithromax helped just the slightest.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Happy 3rd Birthday, Jack! 12/14/08

Today my nephew turned three
And there was a most lovely party
The food was fantastic
And he received lots of plastic
Crap -- and some was from me.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

12/13/08 (Bonus!)

Amuse bouche, petits fours, Cabernet...
I could get used to eating this way.
Still, all this ingestion
Leaves me with a question:
Is one a gourmand or gourmet?

7am 12/13/08

Runnning through Rutherford's vines
Cold moon faces the warming sunrise
Footfalls pound as I forge
Cross a dry river gorge
Snapping half-pickled bones back to life.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, December 12, 2008

From Napa, 12/12/08

To many a restaurant I've wandered
Dined finely, drunk deeply and pondered:
"How good was that meal?"
But right now I feel
Nothing beats having been Frenchly Laundered.

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, December 11, 2008

12/11/08

The French Laundry doesn't clean clothes
But it judges them -- for heaven knows
A man wearing jeans
Isn't fit to be seen
And so off to Brooks Brothers we go.

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

12/10/08

An amazing thing happened today!
Not to me.  But sometimes that's the way
One's life goes: it's just life.
Oh, I had lunch with my wife
And I shopped.  And... that's all I've to say.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My life as a doggerel

This is a "project" I've been contemplating for a while now.

I'm going to attempt to document the next year of my life -- my 40th -- in verse.  One a day.  

Currently, the plan is for limericks.  But I make no promises.  There may be haiku.  

So here it is, the night of my 40th birthday.  Installment #1:

Once you're 40 they say you're in "Act Two."
In Scene 1 of mine I found out that you
Should not celebrate
With a toddler (irate)
At a restaurant you want to go back to.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

More Juvenilia


This is actually probably #3 -- but #2 was so campus specific I don't want to bore you with it just yet.  Yes, I said "just yet" -- because don't get me wrong, I totally want to bore you with it, just not right now.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Juvenilia

I moved recently, and in doing so came across a lot of junk I threw away.

And a lot of junk I didn't -- some of it from way back when I was a columnist.  

So here, for your reading... well, I don't want to say "pleasure" because that would be presumptuous.  So I'll just say here for your reading is the first column I wrote for the Stanford Daily.  Perhaps this will be a series -- because hey, why write when you can have written?

If you click on the image below, you'll be able to read a decent-sized, legible copy.

And I promise, not all of them are campus-specific.







Thursday, July 17, 2008

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Genius.  Genius.  Genius.

I've never been one of the Joss Whedon "fans" -- but I've always respected the guy.

But that's mostly, I have to confess, because of "Toy Story" -- which, when you reflect on the guy's body of work is a little sad.  For me, of course, not him.  Because I bet when he reflects on his body of work he's got to be pretty happy.  Especially if he's reflecting on it in a comfy chair in a big house that's someplace nice, maybe it's even a second home -- a vacation house, and he has a nice glass of wine and... sorry.  I digress.

In any case, I guess I always just thought of him as a horror/sci-fi guy and never tuned in much because I'm not much of either.

But now, because of Dr. Horrible, I'm here to say: I'm a Joss Whedon fan.  I'm going to check out Dollhouse.  And he's officially on -- maybe even at the top of -- my list of people I want to work with.

Click on the banner below.  You won't regret it -- I promise.


Thursday, April 10, 2008

Dell Breaks Your Laptop, Sends Replacement Full Of Pubes


"Reader K's call to Dell tech support for his laptop resulted in the tech helping him break a different computer, then sending him a replacement laptop full of human pubic hair. After diagnosing a faulty power adapter with K's laptop, the Dell technician asked him to plug the malfunctioning adapter into his other, out-of-warranty Dell to confirm the problem. K was reluctant, but complied, and fried his old laptop in the process. To their credit, Dell offered a replacement; unfortunately, it had a full bush."

Other theories I have include the laptop reaching puberty and the laptop being used sort of appropriately (on someone's lap) and sort of not (they were naked at the time).

Full story here.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

What won't Germany do?

Damen und Herren, we give you...

The Cheeseburger In A Can!
This, apparently, is for hikers -- hikers whose goal is apparently to counteract whatever health benefits hiking actually gives them.

If you're desperate, you can buy it here.  Or, in English, here.



Wednesday, February 27, 2008

So that's what the holes in Swiss cheese are for.


According to a recent survey in Gourmet magazine, more than 80% of the time râpe â fromage is committed by someone the cheese knows.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Malt Vinegar


Okay, I warned you that not all posts here come straight from the "profound" pile (okay, actually maybe none of them has, now that I think about it)... but here's the thing, and I'm going to give you the short version:

Malt vinegar is really good on french fries.  

The British have known this for ages (as have I, as my Mother is British).  So, if you knew this (or if you're British), you may stop reading now.  Thanks for letting me waste your time.

I only publish this because my wife -- who has been alive for over three decades -- only just learned this the other day.  

How did I not tell her this?  It's been ten years since we first met.  I'm fairly certain that's thousands of french fry opportunities I -- and therefore she -- squandered.  I feel so negligent.

So, I'm taking it upon myself (you can thank me later) to spread the word.  

You know, just in case.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Web addresses made illogical


Today on the radio the program was being sponsored in part by the National Association of Professional Organizers.  Which, I was told, could be found online at www-dot-N-A-P-O-dot...

And in my head I went "org" -- because when your association is professional organizers, then .org is just obvious, right?

Nope. It's www.napo.net

Okay, so who organized that?

At www.napo.com, incidentally, you can find the National Association of Pizzeria Operators. 

Which makes me wonder how many people start out thinking, "I really need to get organized" then go type www.napo.com -- and end up going, "screw organizing -- I'm gonna order a pizza."

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

There Will Be Comparisons.



Daniel Day Lewis is truly an amazing actor. From the moment you see the poster for "There Will Be Blood", you'll swear he is Tom Selleck.