Eve of destruction, 12/8/09
Tomorrow I turn 41. What to do once these limericks are done? Will my idle hands seek Out some evil unspeak- able once this new freedom's begun?
Posts
Roy G. Biv, 12/7/09
In the night, the rain comes, the winds blow Inundating the earth down below But soon, sun ascends And slowly it ends As across the sky spreads the rainbow.
Croupier and croupier, 12/6/09
I mostly don't mind the poop. Though the vomit's thrown me for a loop. It's the hoarse, barking cough That at night throws me off As I fear the poor kid's caught the croup.
Tardy, 12/5/09
My apologies for being late With the limericks I'm supposed to create But please take consolation In this explanation: Some of them just aren't worth the wait.
This Limerick Has Been Delayed, 12/4/09
This limerick has been delayed For almost a week now, today I ran out of time So now, here's the rhyme Which I think mostly came out okay.
I've seen your true colors, 12/3/09
Irrespective, Nate, of what you think And despite the bright hue of your drink There's likely no chance What you made in your pants Will ever come out colored pink.
Such a waist, 12/02/09
In a writers' room one does a dance With the unhealthy snacks that advance On your willpower, waning Till you're left explaining Why you now wear expandable pants.
Are two jobs better than one? 12/1/09
That sick sinking feeling I've got In my stomach's a Gordian Knot As I pile on to The work I've got to do Which unfortunately's quite a lot.
Off Site, 11/30/09
If you've the need to prepare a Script, but you've got nowhere to Set your laptop Then you go set up shop At a Starbucks. Or maybe Panera.
Divide and conquer, 11/29/09
If only I could break in two I'd be able to do what I do More effectively Come to think of it three's What I'd like to be broken into.
Three to Five, 11/28/09
Where have you gone, Zachary? I remember, before you turned three You were smiley and smart And you filled up my heart But now you just seem so angry.
When in San Diego, 11/27/09
We could have gone to Legoland Or swimming and played in the sand Or gone to see Shamu Or the park or the zoo But we didn't. Hope you understand.
Thanksgiving, 11/26/09
The family fights over seating The football, Detroit's chances fleeting The Macy's Parade Casseroles all displayed And now let us give thanks by eating.
Road Trip, 11/25/09
When two boys are placed in the back Of a car, going far, and you lack The ability to Play a DVD you Might as well just tell them to attack.
Two Jobs Aren't Better Than One, 11/24/09
If this movie's story won't break This job may have been a mistake 'Cause all day and all night's More than I want to write And there's only so much I can take.
Rock and Roil, 11/23/09
I wonder if I had a daughter I'd be less hot under the collar 'Cause I swear I'll snap if He keeps singing that riff That begins the song "Smoke On The Water."
Zach's Fifth Birthday, 11/22/09
A rock and roll party pastiche With a buffet of pizza and quiche As we blast "Back in Black" And the children attack Us like thirty-two freaks on a leash.
Beat (Cal), 11/21/09
The more things change, they stay the same Said someone (can't recall the name). And having just watched Stanford's victory botched That someone may have meant Big Game.
A/B, See? 11/20/09
"I'm going to work" he explained The shirt he'd put on that day "Well you look to me Quite like a worker bee" "Actually, Dad, he said, "worker A."
Do Not Disturb, 11/19/09
All I want is to complete One night of eight hours sleep Without a kid yelling Without a dog smelling Without a cat biting my feet.
Swell Season, Lousy Upholstry, 11/18/09
On a seat at the Wiltern, I sit Springs stabbing me through fabric's split It's a good thing the show Really rocks, 'cause you know I'm getting too old for this shit.
Delizioso! 11/17/09
Nothing, it seems, is a treat. You cook stuff for kids who don't eat. And they hardly care Until you prepare Spaghetti and balls made of meat.
Sometimes, 11/16/09
Sometimes things get lost in the mail. Sometimes you try to no avail. Sometimes you could choke Sometimes life's such a joke And sometimes there's no end to its tale.
Yellow Rage, 11/15/09
I understand sometimes it's rough To be 4, when you've just had enough But don't vent your frustration With your micturation In other words: don't pee on stuff.
Stanford vs. SC, 11/14/09
Not in the time I've been alive Did I think that I would survive To witness SC Destroyed so completely Them: 21, Us: 55.
TMI, 11/13/09
When visiting your parents you Do some things you'd rather not do Like make up your bed With the thought in your head "These are sheets on which they used to screw."
The Business, 11/12/09
You've got some balls, calling me As though we have no history Or as if, at the end You'd behaved as a friend Instead of like an S.O.B.
Follow This, 11/11/09
If you think TV's in the shitter Its content not worth its transmitter You'll be happy to know CBS plans a show That's based on some guy's feed on Twitter.
Perchance to dream? 11/10/09
This morning at six we began With the waking of our little man So we brought him to bed Hoping he'd rest his head For a while. So much for that plan.
Is Misbehavin', 11/9/09
Zachary. What do we do With a little boy who acts like you? Are you jealous or worried? Your temper's so hurried I just hope all this shall pass, too.
A Driving Force, 11/8/09
I'd like to drive a limousine Not so that I would be seen But so when my boys Will not stop making noise I could raise the privacy screen.
Saturday Night Fiver, 11/7/09
When you're a girl turning five Apparently you want to jive 'Cause tonight we will go To a birthday disco Celebrating some stayin' alive.
I see some blue paint and I want to drink it all, 11/6/09
When you're barely older than two I suppose it's expected that you Will sometimes ingest Things that really aren't best For your stomach... and make your poo blue.
The Writing Bug, 11/5/09
If the screenwriting bug has you bitten, And with visions of glamour, you're smitten That feeling you've got Is assuredly not About writing. It's about having written.
Grown-up Proofing, 11/4/09
It's like a breath of fresh air Having no baby gate on the stair And yet I still try When I'm passing by To avoid it, though it isn't there.
Kinderview, 11/3/09
The interview went, as it should With us praising our eldest as good: Creative, insightful! Completely delightful! They would love him, I think, Wildwood.
The Switchwitch, 11/2/09
Each year after candy's collected And the Halloween spoils dissected The Switchwitch comes back With a toy in her sack For the candy that you have rejected.
No Good Deed, 11/1/09
At our preschool it was "Mitzvah Day" When we take our kids and duly say: "We're here to help others. Sick kids, with no mothers." And they respond, "when can we play?"
Happy Halloween! 10/31/09
That rock 'n' roll dude sure looks mean But that pirate's the cutest I've seen And they're coming for you So what will you do? Give them candy -- Happy Halloween!
'Twas the night before Halloween, 10/30/09
My children can hardly believe The candy they're set to receive That they border on spastic, So enthusiastic Are they this All Hallows' Eve's Eve.
Daylight savings, 10/29/01
I'd just like to thank Nate and Zach Who no longer wake in pitch black Which makes for a fun day... Or it will until Sunday When we have to turn the clocks back.
The wind blows, 10/28/09
Summer left us last night, in a huff It's heat, it seems, had had enough And so gave way to The winds, how they blew Knocking over a bunch of our stuff.
Newsunworthy, 10/27/09
My nightstand is starting to creak Beneath issues unread, so I'll seek Out a new magazine, One that I haven't seen: News-somewhat-less-than-a-week.
Pick up game, 10/26/09
As lawyerly legal tricks go, This one's kinda starting to blow: I'm not bound, yet not free Because technically They haven't yet picked up the show.
A four year-old, the three ages of dinosaurs, and two slackjawed parents, 10/25/09
It's apparent his brain is capacious As tonight he once more got loquacious Telling us how he knows The geology goes Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous.
Boys in the back seat, 10/24/09
Screaming like a banshee, a Disobedient cacophony, the Time that we'd had Gone from lovely to bad... And then came the diarrhea.
Optimism, 10/23/09
It might be too early to say But it's possible that this screenplay Is starting to break And we just might make A movie that's halfway okay.
Technical difficulties, 10/22/09
Yesterday, I tried to write A limerick for this website But it could not be posted For the place that it's hosted Was apparently down for the night.
"You came back!" 10/21/09
At last, little, one you've adjusted To preschool, decided you trusted Things would be okay While Mommy's away Which is nice. Cause her patience was busted.
I changed our flights from China, the least you can do is smile, 10/20/09
Having flown back to LA Just in time for the kids' picture day We fully expect That the pics will reflect This sacrifice that we have made.
Home again, home again, 10/19/09
Our flight to Chicago, delayed So there in Columbus we stayed Then moved heaven and earth And through Dallas/Ft. Worth With a connection we barely made.
East vs. West, 10/18/09
The cuisine of the Orient shows That virtually anything goes But the cuisine of Columbus Is less of a rumpus And this evening consists of Rubino's.
Not getting the memo, 10/17,09
I guess no one told OSU That it's Wede's birthday, and to Not lose the game 'Cause that'd be kind of lame When she's 90 and it's just Purdue.
China, in hindsight, 10/16/09
Skip the train to Tibet, take the flight. Skip seeing doggies that bite. And once in Beijing Just stay there, don't wing Straight away to Xi'an for one night.
Now comes the hard part, 10/15/09
Having flown back from China alive Now I just have to survive A trip to Ohio Where I have to fly to With two children, both under five.
Pixellated, 10/14/09
His vocab expands unabated, So much so it seems we've created A child, age four Who can complain your Computer screen "is pixellated."
Monumental Error, 10/13/09
I have seen why the wall is called "Great" And Tiananmen's Square's sides are straight But the Forbidden City Was so quick to admit me A name change should probably be made.
Knock it off, 10/12/09
Rolexes, Pateks, and Tags Chanel, Prada, and Vuitton bags Anything you can wear They've got it all here And it's fake -- so the prices aren't bad.
To and Fro(ttage), 10/11/09
Arriving once more in Beijing (It can wear on you, the traveling) But fortunately Around here, till 3 There are places that do massaging.
Ommmmmm...my god we're going to die, 10/10/09
The narrow road truly was scary As we drove up to the monastery So treacherous you'd a Been praying to Buddha Like I was -- and everyone near me.
Yak, yak, yak 10/9/09
Once you take it, you can't put it back This savory linguiform snack 'Cause that's what you get When you dine in Tibet: The delectable tongue of the yak.
H1N1... NE1? NE1? 10/8/09
A pickle. A fine mess. A stew. We may be in; what do we do If, as it seems We could be quarantined Suspected of having swine flu.
The little engine that not only could it did for 33 hours and I was on it, 10/7/09
33 hours by Train to Tibet And among the things you cannot get: Toilet paper and towels Or a place to move your bowels That isn't disgusting and wet.
Cock of the Ox, 10/6/09
From the fattiest meat to the leanest What I ate tonight was the extremest: A meal made of ox Who'd surrendered their cocks For a succulent bowlful of penis.
The Odyssey, 10/5/09
If you want to take some of the sting Off a 13 hour flight to Beijing Get an eye mask and then Ingest one Ambien And you won't remember a thing.
Packing it in, 10/4/09
I'd really better get packing But sadly, inertia is lacking So if I want to get On that plane to Tibet Then I'd probably better get cracking.
Zombieland, 10/3/09
This evening, as previously planned We we went to a faraway land Known as Sherman Oaks Where we joined with some folks And enjoyed us all some Zombieland
Sukkot, 10/2/09
Tonight a most pleasant Sukkot A holiday that gets my vote For oddest accessories Lulov? Etrog? What are these? Second place: Chanukah's sufganiyot.
And then he wandered out into the hall, 10/1/09
I said good night, it was bedtime And thought that things seemed to be fine. But he said "I can't sleep" I suggested "count sheep" Which he did. Till he reached 409.
La Fête du Barry, 9/30/09
Okay, here's how it's gonna be: Tonight was la fête du Barry And we ate and we ate And now it is late So I must bid you adieu, aujourd'hui
3.8 million deadly floor mats are out there, 9/29/09
Toyota has warned us it's vital To act now (else we're suicidal) So wherever you are Just don't get in your car Your floor mat's become homicidal.
Yom Kippur, 9/28/09
The day of atonement exists In order that we not persist In a life, solipsistic And then we eat brisket To make up for the food that we've missed.
You call that a bargain? 9/27/09
Tomorrow a Jew ought to fast To atone for the sins of his past But Lord, if on that day There's a breakfast buffet And it's free -- then how long must he last?
The Suite Life of Zach & Natesy, 9/26/09
You'd think that a stay in a suite Would be to live like the elite But if I move at all In this bed, I'll hit wall With both of the soles of my feet.
Self-Discipline, 9/25/09
"No!" I said, with a shout And he turned himself right about "Over here?" he asked me I replied, "Yes sirree" And he put himself in time out.
Bedtime, 9/24/09
There's nothing quite like when you hold your Littlest, snug on your shoulder And say, "I love you," And he says, "Love you, too." And you wish that he'd never get older.
Slacker, 9/23/09
I really should not wait until The end of the night when the will To come up with a rhyme's Just a fight against time And a search for enough syllables.
Codpiece and all, 9/22/09
When asked to provide a CV I sift through my life, generally And sum up the stages In one or two pages Describing my work history. But I always make sure to include Some stuff that in most cases you'd Generally not expect -- Like the pages reflect I'm a literal Renaissance dude.
Too early to rise, 9/21/09
Does anyone know how to fix A kid who gets up before six? Cause if you have advice It sure would be nice To know if there are any tricks.
Playground Parents 9/20/09
You're either one or the other: You ignore them or constantly hover. Either gab on your phone Or can't leave them alone And your name is now so-and-so's mother.
A pain in the chest, 9/19/09
The pain in her chest came on curiously Then grew fast and ever so furiously That she couldn't breathe What is this disease? Well, apparently, it's known as pleurisy.
Obfuscatory, 9/18/09
It's not my place to provide You the details from the inside So I can't really say Yes or no, either way Hope that's clear. And if not, well, I tried.
This limerick has not been approved, 9/17/09
This limerick has not been approved. And therefore it has been removed. Once declassified Then we will provide The location where it may be viewed.
A little less conversation, 9/16/09
If I had it to do over I would Have said, "sorry, I sure wish I could" And then gone right to bed But, sadly, instead This evening has led to no good.
It's a Snooze, 9/15/09
Slogans to sell Simply Sleep : "Like Ambien... only it's cheap." "Rest You Can Eat." "Triple-Z-Treat." "This Pill Contains Counted Sheep."
Government Work, 9/14/09
The reason that I have come here To DC is simple: I care. So terror we'll fight With guys who used to write Episodes of BJ & The Bear.
2 going on 20, 9/13/09
He's usually off counting sheep, No fuss and no muss -- not a peep. But now he can talk And so I had to walk Right back in to hear "I can't sleep."
Book 'Em, 9/12/09
Lower your voice. Can't you see That screaming is unnecessary? I know that you're two But for god's sake can't you Understand we are in a library?
Goodbye Larry, 9/11/09
Too soon the great ones depart And so it is with heavy heart We must bid adieu And give our thanks to A true talent, Larry Gelbart.
Dear Jerkoff, 9/10/09
Dear jerkoff: I received your note Explaining how you plan to coat My curb with my address Unless I express I don't want it. So jerkoff: I don't.
Fly me, I'm decomposing, 9/9/09
Ah, the joy of compost. "I'm greener than you" you can boast As nature degrades The food waste that you made. Though the maggots are just kind of gross.
Power Tool, 9/8/09
At back-to-school night the routine Is generally pretty serene But at tonight's talk There was horror and shock Involving a sewing machine.
Fantasy Football Season 2009, 9/7/09
Each year, some portion is luck Some persistence, some timing, some pluck And then there are years When you tear out your hair 'Cause the bottom line is: you just suck.
Into each life, 9/6/09
To Oxnard, in hot pursuit Of sand and surf in a swimsuit And then along came Unexpected Rainn (Wilson -- you know, 'Dwight Schrute').
Parenting, 9/5/09
The yelling, the scratching, the fighting The pulling, the tattling, the biting The spilling, the breaking The crack-of-dawn waking Children: they make life exciting.
Citibank, 9/4/09
When the credit card company's had It's data stolen, that's bad But when this snafu Ends up costing you Take injury, insult, and add.
Like flight 1549, but with a pair of sunglasses. 9/3/09
All I heard was the "uh oh." Never even saw my glasses go Still, I searched the surf And somehow unearthed The shades from the briny below.
Wife 1, Corporation 0. 9/2/09
The back to school shopping today Took us to our local Target Where we'd not be denied The discount: applied. 'Cause you don't mess with Miss Maggie May.
Food for worms, 9/1/09
Dumping the bucket was gross As the smell wafted up to my nose But the feeling I got Sort of offset the rot As we began our first compost.
Heat rises, 8/31/09
Don't get me wrong, I like the sun As much as you -- or anyone But when it gets this hot It sucks when you've not Got working AC on floor 1.
Station Fire, 8/30/09
The fires still rage to the east Devouring hills like a beast Making skies choke As they belch forth their smoke And wonder when we'll see relief.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for three. 8/29/09
Sunscreen, sweat, grease, and some grit I'm pretty much covered in it Back in the house Post two days with the Mouse™ And mostly the trip was a hit. If we could just get Zachary in The Pirates of the Carribean We'd all sing "yo ho" But he just won't go So we just took little Natesy in.
With great power ought to come better clothing. 8/28/09
Your t-shirt proclaims "Old Guys Rule" But you kind of look like a tool Leading me to believe That your potency Depends on me being a fool.
A day at the beach is like a day at the beach, 8/27/09
No kids and a day at the beach Was not a concept within reach Or so I believed Because today we Had just that -- and man, was it sweet.
Boondoggle 8/26/09
Analysts, based in DC Working on security And battling terror May have made an error 'Cause a panelist next month is... me.
Rockdog, 8/25/09
Tibetan dog goes to Beijing Becomes rock star (I guess he can sing) The story is thin But, hey, count me in If they're paying, well hell that's something.
Allergies Begone! 8/24/09
At last now they say he is free, Pronounced past his vast allergies And won't have to beg For a grape or an egg Unless he relapses. We'll see.
Striped Back, 8/23/09
Make sure that you sunscreen the whole Of your back, at the beach or else you'll End up looking like me, Sort of red and white streaked Like a magically live barber pole.
Killing them softly, 8/22/09
The party: anniversary. The years since they wed: 43. The tribute: in song. The words: not all wrong. The method: bad karaoke.
Deceived by the sun, 8/21/09
The morning so clear, everyone Agreed that the beach would fun So our plans all got changed And we went. And it rained. The moral: you can't trust the sun.
Surf City, 8/19/09
"It will be fun" I was assured And a four year-old won't be ignored So together we Waded into the sea To go surfing... and I was the board.
Going #1 while holding son #2, 8/18/09
When "up!" is a constant demand And you find yourself undermanned You learn rapidly That you can go pee And wash up with only one hand.
Brothers in Arms
"He hit me" comes oft the refrain But the truth is that there is no pain Except in my hiney From you being whiny So zip it till someone's been maimed.
My boys, 8/16/09
When people, on meeting my sons Ask me and my wife "are you done?" I say "yes, we are," And today in the car I would've been prior to one.
Road Trip, 8/15/09
On the cusp of our trip to Del Mar Despite that it's not very far We've got so much shit I'm concerned it won't fit When tomorrow we pack up the car.
It's draining, it's boring. 8/14/09
Corporate accounting is fun! If, I suppose you're someone Who likes to dissect Every receipt and check And can't see any use for the sun.
And that's a wrap? 8/13/09
The producer was ready to spill All the details -- right up until You wandered our way Causing him not to say Anything. You, I'm ready to kill.
Shots? 8/12/09
At the alcohol store with my son I had to explain there are some Who apparently feel a Bottle of tequila Should come in the shape of a gun
Head Games, 8/11/09
My brain filled with meaningless babel As tiles turn in it, the rabble Keeps me in confusion And thus the conclusion That I am addicted to Scrabble.
Bookkeeping, 8/10/09
For months I've not had the heart To even look once at the chart Of our savings, receded Recesssion-depleted And I don't think I'm about to start.
Rolling the dice, 8/9/09
The gas back on in our abode Allows us the washing to load And cook and take showers For hours and hours Assuming that we don't explode.
Out of gas, 8/8/09
No oven or water that's hot Stove, furnace, A/C, 'cause we've got No gas to the house So we'll do without Cleaning ourselves till we rot.
Hollywood. 8/7/09
We went and we pitched the movie And now simply have to wait and see If we'll write the script Or if we're just stripped Of the ideas we had, like they were free.
Night, 8/6/09
At the end of the day, at the hour The sun drops and shadows devour Its withdrawing rays, It at last breaks its gaze Giving in to the night's waxing power.
Nickled and Dimed, 8/5/09
When you've a posse you pay, Agent, manager, WGA Lawyer and IRS CPA... it's a mess And what's left at the end of the day?
Sticky, 8/4/09
Disneyland's quite a fine time If you don't have to wait in the lines And, after several hours Back at home in the shower You're able to wash off the grime.
The Gas Man Cometh, 8/3/09
The smell was familiar. The kind You'd prefer not to wake up and find Turned out to be gas Which explains the blast That blew up your house and your mind.
For Personal Use Only, 8/2/09
The movies that I want to see Are had locally for no fee The library provides 'em And I digitize 'em Right on to my Apple TV.
Saturday afternoon, 8/1/09
Nice to have friends with a pool And a house that is totally cool If only the boys Wouldn't make so much noise I'd feel like less of a tool.
Too Many Notes, 7/31/09
When expressing that thing that you thought Try not to get too overwrought For the more words you use Don't explain, they confuse, Obfuscating more often than not.
Closure, 7/30/09
No office. No pencils. No desk. No lunch orders. Nothing is left But to clean out the drawer And to wonder if you're Headed east or remaining out west.
That's Entertainment? 7/29/09
Maybe I don't want to switch From TV for this movie pitch If these machinations Are some indication That the feature world is a bitch.
October is the cruelest month, 7/28/09
My son tells me if I am seen In the same costume this Halloween That people "will fight you" Which seems a damn sight to Me like these people are mean.
In Case of Emergency Limerick, 7/27/09
In the event that I'm ever found bleeding, Unconscious and possibly needing Transfusing, don't fuss My type is A+ Write it down -- and thanks so much for reading.
It only took 2 1/2 years, 7/26/09
It's possible we may regret Returning to him the drum set That we said we would save Until he could behave. Which he now knows was no idle threat.
Ghetto Bird, 5/25/09
The LAPD overhead Is enough to shake you from your bed As they circle the sky In search of some guy While you speculate "somebody's dead..."
No, I'm not doing product integration, I just like the tacos, 724/09
Some people like to eat Chee-tos While others prefer their burritos As for me, there's no time When I'd not get in line For the tacos that they serve at Tito's.
Car Repair, 7/23/09
"Your lower control arms are shot And two new tires ought to be bought. Plus your throttle body And torque mounts are shoddy. I hope that's four grand that you've got."
Zachary & The Giant Goose Egg, 7/22/09
See, that's what your eyes are for To guide you as you cross the floor So next time I'm hoping You'll keep them both open And not walk straight into a door.
It's the little things, 7/21/09
It's almost a sure thing if you Stay up till a quarter till two That you can count on Being woken pre-dawn It's like somehow the baby just knew.
Imposter? 7/20/09
He excused himself when he was done Stopped when he was told not to run Said he loved his mother Kissed and hugged his brother. Who are you, and where is my son?
Excuses, excuses, 7/19/09
I'm dirty and greasy and tired From the weekend that has just transpired Trips north and trips south Fixing things round the house... I'm beat, and so less-than-inspired.
Traffic, 7/18/09
Santa Barbara is nice in the summer But the traffic back home is a bummer As you sit in the throng Barely inching along Behind some a-hole in a stretch Hummer.
You what? 7/17/09
Your Mother is not a robot You can push down and break, so do not Ever say that again Or never is when You'll see Disneyland; give it some thought.
Tobacco & Alcohol, 7/16/09
Dinner last night went too far. So tonight I kept things to the bar. The meal was urban Consisting of bourbon And for dessert just a cigar.
The Unhandyman, 7/15/09
Someone pulled, and so caused to fall The towel bar off of the wall Leaving holes to repair But the real problem here Is I'm nowhere near handy at all.
The Last Days of Season 1, 7/14/09
The whiteboards are back to their whitest As we wade through the season's detritus Little left to be done On this, season one. Our last medical case: senioritis.
I have some good news and... 7/13/09
She said "I've got news for you, honey, And the thing is, well, this may sound funny, The script -- it's a go Just as long as you know That the network has run out of money."
Westside Tavern, 7/12/09
At long last we finally tried The Tavern that's on the Westside And damn, it was good So when you're in the 'hood I suggest you head promptly inside.
The Sleepover, 7/11/09
It's nice to have the company For the wife, and the kids, and for me. I just hope that they're sleeping Or else I'll be weeping When I'm up at a quarter to three.
Fromage, 7/10/09
The anticipation increases As the finish line can't help but tease us So we eat, we rejoice And our cuisine of choice Is wine and way too many cheeses.
A Royal Pain, 7/9/09
We're almost through, get out the fork 'Cause this pig's about to be pork Done, through and through Now as for Season 2 Just don't make me move to New York.
123456789, 7/8/09
Today, if you looked at the time At precisely one moment you'd find The hour and date Would enumerate 12:34:56 7/8/09
But He's Crafty, 7/7/09
It's not that I think he was reckless And certainly wouldn't say feckless I'm just not sure that Our twelve year-old cat Has all that much use for a necklace.
A 2 year-old's logic, 7/6/09
Allow me to give him a plug, it's Like his new vocab is a drug, it's Fun to use words Like "dogs", "cats", or "birds" Or "chickens" -- which he calls "chicken nuggets."
And on the fifth, sixth, and seventh days, he rested... 7/5/09
If only all weekends were three Days long, I think that we'd be Much happier, healthier And possibly wealthier This petition's beginning with me.
July 4, 2009
Despite all our nation's concerns I'll say many happy returns To the ol' USA On this, its birthday And hope for few firework burns.
Working for the little man, 7/3/09
For this, I can't say I've waited. But maybe it's what we're all fated To one day become As today my son Said "I'm Zachary... Incorporated."
Before the sons go down, 7/2/09
To walk through the door and hear cries Of "Daddy!" cut me down to size. Because these days I creep In the door; they're asleep And I really miss seeing those guys.
Footstrike Anemia? 7/1/09
This anemia's really quite cunning But this diagnosis is stunning; The issue could very Well be ordinary: That once in a while I go running.
Eat, Write, Eat, Write, Eat, Write, Repeat 6/30/09
It's nice to have irons and fire. But also, it's nice to retire At a half-decent hour So it's within your power To wake up and feel inspired.
The presence of presents, 6/29/09
Our home's a confusion of plastic Making both my sons go spastic Toys, balls, and balloons Fill up all our rooms... I may have to do something drastic.
Nate's Birthday Party, 6/28/09
Nate, I hope you had a ball. (There were plenty of them, wall-to-wall) You bounced and had cake And got to stay up late A good time, I think, was had by all.
Or close enough, anyway, 6/27/09
The decision I had trouble making Regarding my starter was taking Time that it need not Because what I'd forgot Is pork belly's real close to bacon.
Happy Birthday Natesy! 6/26/09
My son, one day when you're a man we'll Talk about you at two and you'll Hear tales of tickles And gabba and pickles. Happy birthday to you, my Nathaniel.
Rule of 3, 6/25/09
They say that things happen in threes And by "things" they mean "tragedies." But if you ask me, I Think that's just how we try To make sense of the nonsense we see.
In A Fog, 6/24/09
If only someone had advised Me that when your kids are still pint-sized, There's more to their routine Than the things that you've seen... Sometimes they must be nebulized.
Outta Here, 6/23/09
I don't want to be writing this poem. I'd much rather be on my way home. But I've three lines to write Now just two, end in sight: Here's the last one. Now I must be going.
More Cooks, More Cooks! 6/22/09
Script written, the weight has been lifted Which means now the burden has shifted To the folks in the suits Whose notes of no use Will confirm that they're not very gifted.
Consider The Oyster, 6/21/09
An oyster can go to and fro From male to female, so If the mood strikes its shell Melinda's now Mel. Which is sort of like Chastity Bono.
Del Mar, 6/20/09
"On Death and Dying" I've read Know the stages of grief in my head But the reality Of her mortality Isn't theory. It's there, in her bed.
I'm a little tired, 6/19/09
If only the viewers could see Behind the screens of their TVs And into the process Of writing this nonsense That just might end up killing me.
One Way or Another, 6/18/09
We're right now at the darkest spot In the tunnel, and all that we've got Is the hope there's a light, That we'll make it all right... Or that death will come swiftly, if not.
Oral Tradition, 6/18/09
Like father like son; there's a truth In that age-old adage, and proof Is that my eldest son Did today as I'd done As a child... and knocked out a tooth.
Child's Play, 6/16/09
My four year old likes my laptop He'll go online and won't want to stop Which I don't mind At least until such time As he figures out how to shop.
Consolation, 6/15/09
At seven, I thought we were fine. We'll finish this thing in no time. But then we got tripped Up, the end of the script Was a bitch... but at least there was wine.
In a shocking twist, 6/14/09
"Daddy, will you rest with me?" Each night he asks, perpetually "All right," I said And lay down on the bed He closed his eyes. And went to sleep.
It was all downhill from there, 6/13/09
The view was great, there was a breeze There was wine and beer and cake and cheese If only the lawn That it was held on Weren't inclined at 40 degrees
Cybersquat, 6/12/09
Twitter, I'm technically on But only because my name's gone Snatched up by some vermin Who goes by @jonsherman Leaving me @shermanjon But don't you go following me 'Cause there will be nothing to see All the pith that I got Is reserved for this spot. (Or failing that, banality).
Your Mantra: "I am employed", 6/11/09
When the ladies who vacuum the floor Come in through the office door It's a pretty good sign That you've spent too much time At work... and then you work some more.
For the fans. Both of them. 6/10/09
I'm not sure you should have confessed That with jonsherman.com you're obsessed 'Cause given that you're Right outside my door I might have to be more repressed.
The last day of production, 6/9/09
Awakened by thunder and lightning I knew that today would be frightening And production would curse Shooting exteriors And I prayed for the sky to start brightening.
Production, 6/8/09
Thrown into the deep end I thought Dear lord, what the hell have I got Myself into with this Exhausting business? But tomorrow... I'll miss it a lot.
Oops. 6/7/09
The script done, the weekend was mine To enjoy with my wife on our time (Except I neglected To send out reflected The changes in scene twenty nine).
The Way We Are, 6/6/09
To market, (Spice Market) we go For dinner, then off to a show It's like a memory Of who we used to be Before children, oh so long ago.
Maggie May, 6/5/09
At last, the Maggie has landed! So once this production's disbanded It's back to Manhattan Where I will get fat on The sweet one who my life's enchanted.
Yesterday, 6/4/09
I went to bed without a thought 'Cause At one thirty there's simply not A moment to lose If you want to snooze So this limerick it just got forgot
The Incompleat Pratt, 6/3/09
For Avery Pratt, and so for me The stars aligned in NYC This could be my last chance To see this thing dance So I'm counting on you, IFC.
Extreme Working Conditions, 6/2/09
At 1 am I'm not my best So I'll not rhyme under duress But will instead Go climb into bed And pray that I'll get some rest.
The Best Laid Plans, 6/1/09
A long day I thought would conclude With a quick trip out to get some food Then right into bed But one thing it led To another, and now I'm just screwed.
Erev Hell, 5/31/09
Tomorrow, my day starts before five And so if I am to survive I must go to bed Before ten, lest I dread The hours left I am alive.
NY, 5/30/09
New York. Like a modern day Rome, Is a circus, a citadel grown Beyond its conceit, Beyond endless concrete To become possibility's home.
Unless I'm still on west coast time, 5/29/09
Damn it. I looked at my wrist My watch telling me that I'd missed My daily deadline To record things in rhyme. Yet I've no time to be ful of wist. After all, for all things there's a first Time. And it's not the worst Thing that's come to pass That a day has elapsed And I didn't observe it in verse.
The Beast in the East, 5/28/09
Midnight, somewhere in New York I think somewhere close to North Fork I've been kidnapped by the Cruelest mistress, TV And she feeds me dry, overcooked pork.
Sick, Home, 5/27/09
If, with your kids you have flown, You look forward to traveling alone. So how to explain I've yet to board the plane And already I'm missing home.
To My Wife, 5/26/09
Happy birthday to you, Maggie Sherman You deserve it -- and so I'm determined To make your bon anniversaire Le meillure , ma chère (Or die besten geburtstag , in German).
Don't tell Mommy about the CD we made, 5/25/09
Keeping a secret is tough When you're four and just learning to bluff So I felt some small pride When my son white-lied "Just talking about trucks and stuff."
A birthday party, a BBQ, and thou, 5/24/09
Today we found ourselves cramming In two parties while faintly damning The luck of distraction And pool party action As we spent the whole day enjambing.
Memorial Day through the eyes of a 4 year old, 5/23/09
Approaching Memorial Day We decided that we would explain To our son Zachary About cemeteries... Now he wants to dig up remains.
I'm not totally clear on the last part, but why else would you need a loaded gun in a National Park? 5/22/09
No longer must we live in fear At our National Parks, as now we're Permitted to bring Our loaded guns in And shoot the shit out of a bear.
The Story That Just Wouldn't Break, 5/21/09
The story that just wouldn't break Dear lord, how long will this take? Perhaps it's the premise That threatens to hem us In till we can't stay awake.
Scheduling Conflicts, 5/20/09
At some point I'd like to stop thinking And go home and get to the drinking For attenuating Too much cogitating For my brain that is rapidly shrinking.
It's a job and someone's gotta do it, 5/19/09
The moment between the audition And your receiving a position Is one part elation Offset by deflation As you contemplate the transition
Out, Out, 5/18/09
I'm starting to find it concerning Though an income is nice to be earning That this candle of mine Is lit most of the time And that more than just two ends are burning.
Like a dog, 5/17/09
Why do they call them weekends When the work that you do just extends From Friday to Monday Without even one day To just have a drink with some friends?
Doesn't "Enhances Preschoolers' Understanding of Inter- and Intra-Personal Dynamics" just mean "This Show Has More Than One Character"? 5/16/09
Wubbzy, let's get something straight: Just because in your show you relate To characters who Are other than you It doesn't mean you educate.
It's a drama, not a melodrama, 5/15/09
I know that they're paying me money But still their wrongheadedness stuns me And so despite the note I will keep what I wrote And not make it any less funny.
Pardon my Yoda, 5/14/09
And suddenly out of the blue A project that lacked a venue Could be resuscitated And I'm just elated So posted I'll be keeping you.
Let it Go, Cheney, 5/13/09
Anyone else getting sick Of Cheney, determined to stick To his guns, graft, and greed And torture decreed? I guess that's why he goes by "Dick."
If I knew then what I know now I'd now know what I knew then... unless I forgot it, 5/12/09
If back in time I could go The thing I would want me to know Is "sleep while you can 'Cause Jon, my old man, Your kids wake up at 5 or so."
Willful Ignorance, 5/11/09
How is it I'm so unprepared For what's hung for so long in the air? And how can it be That the mortality Of my parents is suddenly here?
At least four bottles, but who's counting? 5/10/09
"Happy Mother's Day!" was the refrain Heard over and over again As we never stopped And the corks popped and popped. How'd the hell we drink that much Champagne?
Not the powder it was named for, 5/9/09
The scent of a candle's delightful But if left from the day till the night you'll Regret shutting it In the powder room lit 'Cause soot-covered walls are most frightful
Product Placement, 5/8/09
Toyota, Grey Goose, and Verizon Apparently all have their eyes on Our show 'cause they're paying To affect what we're saying. But they'd never ask us to put lies on... Would they?
Reasonable Hours R.I.P.
...And then it all fell apart. Which you always suspect at the start Of every new show But you just never know When the wheels will come off the cart.
Cancer is a cancer, 5/6/09
Uncertainty's naught but a cancer But cancer is also a cancer. Goddamn this disease And its metastases Right now all I want is an answer.
What, and give up show business? 5/5/09
10:30. It's been a long day. First TV show, then a screenplay. And now a late meal That'll likely congeal Inside me once I hit the hay.
Ode to the really good Italian place in the mini-mall, 5/4/09
Restaurant Enoteca Mosto I'm glad that our paths have crossed, though When only one table's Filled will you be able To make it or will you be lost-o? http://www.mostoenoteca.com/
11th Hour Production, 5/3/09
If you leave something till the last minute You'll regret that you didn't begin it Much earlier than Your bedtime, and then The truth is your heart isn't in it. I.E. if I didn't write These verses mostly late at night I feel pretty sure Rather than sucking more They'd suck less (though the chances are slight)
Urine (a mess of trouble, young man), 5/2/09
"I just have to go wipe my nose" He says to us, and then he goes To the restroom where he Proceeds to go pee All over the floor and his clothes.
It writes itself, 5/1/09
Right now all I want is to leave But I've still got notes to receive So I'll bide my time By writing some rhyme On a subject I've yet to conceive.
What I learned today during our mandatory seminar, 4/30/09
If you're at work and make a pass At a co-worker, you have harassed Them sexually So please don't say to me "Morning, Jon. How are you? Love the ass."
Special skills: horseback riding, being loud, not going to bed. 4/29/09
When applying your son to grade K You must be certain to say That though he's just four He really much more Than contained on his short resumé.
Overreaction? 4/28/09
My wife's sniffling and coughing, too. And so I know what I must do: Lock us all indoors Until that I'm sure That we don't have the swine flu.
¿Why Dios, Why? 4/27/09
If I lived in Mexico, I Might be wondering ¿Why, Dios, Why? El Swine Flu, El Quake, What did we do to make You so wrathful at us? Ay yi yi.
For a limited time only, 4/26/09
Each year it all starts so merrily (Though we leave feeling guilty and warily) Then once it's begun We forget, for our fun Too soon must end, anniversarily. Sent from my iPhone
Anniversary, 4/25/09
The tradition once more goes on Though I'm wondering, is it wrong To commemorate Our wedding date Simply by sleeping past dawn? Sent from my iPhone
Anniversary, 4/24/09
I am ready for the massage. The sleep and the badinage. I know what I need And with speed I'll proceed. Yes, it's time to cut to the Montage.
Twits with Tweets, 4/23/09
Sorry. I just don't get Twitter. Like I want to know all the shit you're Doing right now! And what, why and how! Or maybe I'm just old and bitter.
Dead Money, 4/22/09
I fail to see how GM Can be viable ever again And as soon as they're dead We'll be smacking our head And ask "why'd we give billions to them?"
Comedy Solo, 4/21/09
My script, well received, yet a few Notes that I've got to go through And they're running behind, "So Jon, if you don't mind, Could you punch up the first five scripts too?"
The Night Terror, 4/20/09
A child asleep, I have thought Is a joy, an adorable tot. Except for mine Who wakes up all the time Screaming, "Daddy!" like he's just been shot.
Ah, 4/19/09
This weekend, I'm pleased to report Is actually feeling too short. Filled with fun and friends It began. Now it ends With a cigar and a nice glass of port.
Apples to Apples, 4/18/09
You left, and you weren't coming back For some time, we'd been on the wrong track. You were finicky. Skittish. So at last now we're finished. You are dead. Long live my new Mac.
Writing is rewriting, 4/17/09
The script is done. Which is exciting To think it may soon be delighting The suits; but their laughter Will fade, and then after That come the notes and rewriting.
Yellow River, 4/16/09
My son has determined it's great When disinclined to shooting straight To aim at the wall Or anything at all When he goes to urinate.
Tax Day "Tea Parties", 4/15/09
The world hasn't spun off its axis Just 'cause we have to pay taxes But mad at Obama Fox drums up the drama And goes into anaphylaxsis
Under the weather, 4/15/09
My left ear is totally clogged Like half of me is waterlogged Also, it's aching And ringing, thus making This whole day a bit of a slog.
Call me responsible, 4/13/09
Our bosses have both left the state! Which, theoretically's great 'Cause we can leave early So why the hell were we All sitting there until 8?
Procrastination, 4/12/09
It's too late for limericks tonight I got a script I gotta write And I'm on a deadline So there isn't time For me to sit here being trite.
Because on other nights dinner isn't preceded by a lecture, 4/11/09
At tonight's Passover seder It became clear that sooner, not later Having started to talk It was us versus clock Till the kids turned the house to a crater.
Length Matters, 4/10/09
When writing a comedy The writers believed, generally That not writing jokes Meant the drama folks Had much simpler jobs than had we. But now I sing a different song 'Cause I see that opinion was wrong: No, you don't have to be Writing hilarity But your script has to be twice as long.
Not K for P, 4/9/09
Today it's Passover and I Am aware there're things I'm denied But at lunch it was deli So now in my belly Is half a pastrami on rye.
The Perfect Crime, 4/8/09
When I noticed some ink on a toy My son suddenly became coy And explained, "Wasn't me, Because god was asleep. So he didn't see me." Oh boy.
Sword Twit, 4/7/09
On some level yes, it's instructive And I don't mean to be too reductive But I think if Word Twist Were to cease to exist I would probably be more productive
Rotten Apple, 4/6/09
I push the button in back And the screen lights up... and then goes black. Once again I Need a power supply For my rapidly aging iMac. Sent from my iPhone
Sunday with Zach, 4/5/09
First a swim at the YMCA Then a pancake and shake déjuner Then we bike to the shore To goof off some more My son, 'twas a hell of a day.
Out of the mouths of 1 year-olds, 4/4/09
There's no pond nearby. That's good luck. If there were we'd more often get stuck Explaining the word You could swear you just heard: Was just 'frog', though it sounded like 'fuck'.
Solution/Dissolution, 4/3/09
Our problems won't cease to exist And our troubles will surely persist So let's fill a cup Full of wine, bring it up And then gently bend at the wrist
Could be worse. Could be coal mining, 4/2/09
All work and no play's said to make Jack a dull boy. The mistake Is that I'm not Jack Though work's breaking my back Yet I still can't seem to catch a break.
The Last Limerick, 4/1/09
This will be the last thing I'll say: Life can no longer go on this way. So I've gotten a gun And I've gone on the run Mark my words. Mark the date. Mark the day.
Automotively, Generally Getting Specific, 3/31/09
Goodbye Pontiac and GMC, And Saturn, a farewell to thee. Saab's demise makes me blue Hummer's death? Overdue This is GM -- but now what's the 'G'?
Usage, 3/30/09
When trying to master your words Adjectives turn into verbs You'll no longer doubt this Once you "inside-out" this As my son has me do with his shirts.
He's not wrong, 3/29/09
Some children like music or art Still others trend more towards Descartes But mine has eschewed Those for something more rude: "Daddy, I was born to fart."
It's Still Basketball, 3/28/09
It's March Madness and tonight I Will root for my team, do or die As I try to ignore That out on the floor Isn't one single chromosome Y.
The Definition of Anticlimax, 3/27/09
90 minutes on the phone in a fight For the pay-per-view movie to work right And then, finally, In full screen HD... The 9 o'clock showing of Twilight?
This is no time for small talk, 3/26/09
The good news: the prostate's okay And I only feel slightly more gay It was after I hated While still lubricated As the doctor chit-chatted away.
For Men Only (on the eve of my first post-40 physical), 3/25/09
The thought of it's really quite heinous But the doctors insist to maintain us That they have to shove First a hand in a glove Then a finger up into your anus.
A Most Unfortunate Angle, 3/23/09
From the urinal at work where you Stand there's a disturbing view: In the glare of the wall There's a rear in the wall Of the guy who is sitting to poo.
Working Against The Weekend, 3/22/09
Two dinners, four bottles of wine Make for a weekend that's fine But when you've work to do These diversions mean you Are still working at 12:49.
Workin' on the Weekend, 3/21/09
He went down for his nap with a hush I went downstairs to work in a rush And though I wrote fast The boy's nap didn't last And so what I accomplished: not much.
The Room, 3/20/09
Some days in a writers' room Are like being stuck in a vacuum Where you finish your lunch And you have a hunch... But even your hunch meets its doom.
Besides, it's after my bedtime, 3/19/09
There are places that I will not go Things I prefer not to know So despite all the drama I won't watch Obama 'Cause I can't stomach the Tonight Show
The Burgermeister, No Longer Moribund, 3/18/09
There's a dive bar nearby called Hinano Much about which I simply did not know But now it appears That their burgers and beers Are terrific -- so off to it I go!
When Jewish Eyes Are Smilin', 3/17/09
Mmm, corned beef and cabbage and lots of Stout and potatoes, but what's off About this repast Is that what we had last Was a whole slab of dark chocolate matzo.
Outnumbered, 3/16/09
I wish my poor wife would get better But I don't think our two kids will let her Since they don't turn off She's still got a bad cough I swear, it's like they're out to get her.
The Wrong Side of Bed, 3/15/09
Today was just one of those days As the sun warmed the earth with its rays You woke praying the moon Would for god's sake come soon 'Cause your kids have you already crazed.
Tonight, we had a really great meal, 3/14/09
A great restaurant is a place to Really savor the flavors you chew But when you're with your kids Then what makes it great is That nobody complained about you
I said 'kvetch', not 'fetch', 3/13/09
I just learned there are people who'll Throw parties I say make them fools. Such as the "Bark Mitzvah" Which to me seems just seems it's a Competition to be 'Best in Schul.'
Sentencing is set for June 16, 3/12/09
Nature's been said to abhor A vacuum -- but, even more It really can't stand One particular man: 617-27-054
The Pillow Of Death, 3/11/09
Our bedtime's a bit like roulette That depends on the pillow you get: And when the pillow of death Lands beneath your neck's breadth You awake with a pain you regret.
Building imaginations (by killing trees), 3/10/09
Before you're a parent the part No one warns you about at the start Is how once they can draw That you'll soon be in awe At the proliferation of art.
Get Well Soon! 3/9/09
A weekend away should delight us. A brief absence should serve to unite us. But from Palm Desert my Wife's returned with pinkeye And a case of severe laryngitis.
Getting dizzy with it, 3/8/09
A trip to the playground, unplanned. A ride you can spin with one hand. The cries, "Daddy, faster!" And then, the disaster: The vomiting onto the sand.
If only I were unemployed and childless, I could sleep in, 3/7/09
Tonight we spring forward, which means It's later right now than it seems. And that at six tomorrow (Or five -- do you follow?) I'll be conscious thanks just to caffeine.
Esther Westchester makes the New York Times, 3/6/09
I'm taking today as a sign. Because in today's New York Times Along with the bad news The Purim show that Jews Are putting on got a few lines http://tinyurl.com/99awlh
An early night, 3/5/09
Driving home I was so happy To rush through the rush hour madly Knowing I'd see my sons Before their days were done. And come through the door to hear "Daddy!"
The Whole Megillah, 3/4/09
Upon hearing the story of Purim Our preschooler now believes we're in The role of aggressors As parents, oppressors And of this we now need to cure him.
Poll Position, 3/3/09
Today in LA we elected (Or perhaps, I suppose, we rejected) The mayor, controller Something about solar... I abstained 'cause I feel disaffected.
Life isn't a highway, it's a yo-yo, 3/2/09
I know I should be celebrating That I've lost weight -- and yet I am waiting 'Cause since January I've gained and lost the same three Frigging pounds, which is getting frustrating.
What's weirder is we don't even call it a binkie, 3/1/09
When his blankie and binkie both fall B's ! the baby will call And it's cute as can be Though what's puzzling me Is I know that he can't spell at all.
Also, I may have broken my pinkie, 2/28/09
I caught a ball deep for a score But, it's been six, seven years -- maybe more Since I went to play Football on Saturday So in the morning I'm gonna be sore.
Wherein Jeff Wachtel blesses the showrunners, 2/27/09
As a writer you get used to this: Some things hit, while others miss So I'm happy to say That as of today Our ideas were received with a kiss
Or, maybe it's just a coincidence, 2/26/09
From what my wife says now our boy Is a sweetheart. A dreamboat. A joy. And this seems to be Because till recently I was at home, unemployed.
Honey, I don't have time to read limericks, I got work to do, 2/25/09
This evening at work I debuted A character differently-hued I channelled a nurse Who was black -- and what's worse Was full of clichéd attitude.
Fortunately, guinea pigs taste awful, 2/24/09
My son has a few allergies, To walnuts, mushrooms, and blueberries Corn, shrimp, and potatoes Whole wheat, eggs, and tomatoes Grapes, guinea pigs, chicken, and horsies.
I've narrowed the suspects down to 1,335,962,132 people, 2/23/09
Someone did just as they pleased With my Paypal account that they seized Control of last night Which they stole from outright And all I know is they're Chinese.
The Oscars 2008/2009, 2/22/09
With the inspired words of Sean Penn And the corpse of Sophia Loren Tonight reminds me Of the films I've yet to see Including "No Country For Old Men" Sent from my iPhone
If you want it done right, don't ask me, 2/21/09
I just needed to pick up the table My wife bought, and she felt I was able. So I went with our son Where I got the wrong one Because I did not read the label.
Warm milk at 3, 2/20/09
3am pretty much stinks When the baby thinks he needs a drink On those nights I guess I get, more or less Somewhere around 32 winks.
Telling Stories, 2/19/09
Peeking from behind his door Then tiptoing out onto the floor He announces he's stayed up, That a story he's made up, "Can I tell it? Just five minutes more?"
Let Them Go Bankrupt, 2/18/09
Not a dime, not one penny more To GM and to Chrysler for Their mismanagement It's time that they went The way of the dinosaur.
Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be realtors, 2/17/09
I know it's wrong to generalize But I've learned not to be surprised By real estate "pros" Whose ability blows It's a profession I've come to despise.
A Confusing Piece of Volunteer Work, 2/16/09
Hannah Montana's a show I researched today so I'd know How to write this Purim thing To air online this spring. It's confusing, right? Yeah, I thought so.
No Cookie Is An Island, 2/15/09
I altered the old recipe With pecans and dark chocolate, to see If, as I presumed I need not ask for whom The house tolled, it tolled for me.
On Valentine's Day, 2/14/09
She said "I'll see you at 8" But I wasn't sure it was a date And now, ten years later (And yes, I did date her) She's my wife -- so it must have been fate.
Friday the 13th - Part 1, 2/13/09
Triskadekaphobics, beware! For today is the day that you fear And the bad news for you Is if you make it through It happens two more times this year.
Why I'm dining out tonight instead of on the 14th, 2/12/08
A restaurant on Valentine's Day Is a prix fixe romantic cliché Filled with neophytes While the true sybarites Stay at home and make something gourmet.
Bittersweet, 2/11/09
As off to the office I'm going The hardest part is the not knowing If I'll be return home Before my boys have flown To their beds, leaving my heart Yo-Yoing.
"Dear USA Network...", 2/10/09
Economically we've all been stamped on So I get it -- now you're not so amped on A show where you see Lives of prosperity But for god's sake, it's set in the Hamptons.
Lining my own pockets, 2/9/09
Frasier 's box set, Season 8 I just purchased, and now contemplate: Is the .3 percent I earn on what I spent Income or just a rebate?
See how I'm jumping, jumping, jumping, 2/8/09
The new trampoline's pretty sweet. Sure to be the envy of the street. But who'd Zach invite To first share this delight? A kid with two casts on her feet.
Might As Well Jump, 2/7/09
We just got a trampoline So our kids can go blow off some steam And 'cause pediatricians Are lovely physicians But there are ER docs we haven't seen.
Headache, 2/6/09
Our writers' room lights are fluorescent Which is getting to be most unpleasant. By the end of the day My wits are all frayed And my brain has become too tumescent.
One Limerick About 25 Things, 2/5/09
Your facebook friends were unaware Of so much that you had to share Random things, twenty five All about your life And 26 is: they don't care.
Jon . . . Imagine Your Poem Featured On A Page By Itself In A Beautiful Coffee-Table Edition! 2/4/09
"Congratulations!" They say "Your poem is top notch, grade A! And here, take a look It's in this fine book How'd you like buy one today?" But I think this might be a ruse 'Cause if I had a poem to choose It wouldn't be mine (Not that it isn't fine) I'll include it for you to peruse: "I've come up with a groundbreaking thesis That could prove more important than Jesus It's... wait, on second thought Perhaps maybe it's not. Damn. I hope nobody reads this."
Good Fortune, 2/3/09
The bad news is so hard to avoid As this country slips into a void So uneconomical It's almost comical That now I find myself employed.
I know he's only 4, but if he's gonna make stuff up then so am I, 2/2/09
"A ghost bit my finger," he said Trying not to go to bed "That can't be," I replied Guiding him back inside "When ghosts bite you, they go for the head."
Pittsburgh vs. Arizona, 2/1/09
You know that the world is confused When the Superbowl ads that you used To look forward to Instead kinda blew And the game is what had you enthused.
This Morning, 1/31/09
Before dawn I announced I was leaving. My wife was unsure of my meaning. She thought that I could Really be gone for good But bless her heart, went back to sleeping.
With apologies to Ernest Hemingway, but I've been up since 4 am, 1/31/09
One thing that I would advise is, When at 4 am your baby cries, miss: If you can't be roused It ensures that your spouse Is with whom the son also rises.
Royal Pains, 1/30/09
I'm not a doctor, but soon I'll be Writing one who's on TV So if you've a condition I've a fake physician To dramatize your malady.
I Got Nothin', 1/29.09
When stumped for a limerick to write I'll sit here for hours at night Try to start with "It's nice..." Only to realize It isn't, it totally bites.
Sometimes It's The Small Things, 1/28/09
Hollywood isn't just the pursuit Of the stuff fame and fortune impute No, for me it's the thought That the job I just got Has only a tiny commute.
Just to be clear, it was the baby yelling, 1/27/09
I can only imagine the shock As my wife through the grocery store walked With our baby announcing "Cake!!" -- but pronouncing It not quite as 'cake,' but as 'cock!'
Spew Take Two, 1/26/09
It began just about 1 am Our son started coughing and then Up came the vomit But we were right on it: Cleaned it all. Then he did it again.
A man asks himself a hard question, 1/25/09
Resentment's a festering sore Only growing the more it's ignored But why play the martyr Convinced that you're smarter If anger's your only reward?
Hairstyles of the young & shameless, 1/24/09
I can't say it came as a huge shock He loves Green Day and Kiss and most hard rock But for chrissakes he's four Isn't it premature To be letting the kid get a mohawk?
Rain, rain, go aaaaaaaaaaaaagh! 1/23/09
When will all this rain go away Making everything gloomy and gray? It's... shit! An earthquake! Are we safe? Kids awake? Never mind gentle rain, you can stay.
Do I hear $50 for a gently used child? 1/22/09
At the auction to benefit preschool They apparently don't think that it's cool To offer your kid No matter the bid Or maybe this year that's a new rule.
By Dawn's Early Light, 1/21/09
Mencken said no one ever went broke Underrating the smarts of we folk But in my estimation This morning the nation Got brighter as we all awoke
Inauguration, 1/20/09
Brought to the end of our rope A nation unsure how to cope Now, poised on the brink At last we can drink From a glass, half-full, of hope
So that happened, 1/19/09
Two nights ago I drank a lot. And apparently more than I thought. 'Cause though I don't live far It was into my car That I really should not have got.
If by "happiest" they mean expensive and tiring, then yes, it's the happiest place on Earth, 1/18/09
Having just returned from Disneyland, Some advice if you've a trip planned: Bring someone handicapped So you won't be trapped In those lines where you stand, stand, stand, stand.
This is what we get in exchange for living with earthquakes, fires, and paparazzi, 1/17/09
With my sincere apologies To those of you in a deep freeze (Which, more or less Is most of the U.S.) Today it was 80 degrees.
Because we already have a dog, two cats, and two children, that's why, 1/16/09
A little dog who's gone astray We take in ('cause my wife's nice that way) But he'd better not be Here forever, i.e. He can sit -- but the dog cannot stay.
Fingers Crossed, 1/15/09
Two very good meetings today. And while normally not one to pray I'd sure like the work On this unnamed network... (USA! USA! USA!)
Upon Seeing Your Bad Facelift in the Ralph's Parking Lot, 1/14/09
Look lady, everyone's dyin' So please, for god's sake just stop tryin' To fend off its effect With that crap you inject 'Cause now you just look like a lion.
Why I'm Not In Casting, 1/13/09
Having just seen "The Wrestler" I know Mickey Rourke was the right way to go Still, I think it would Have been almost as good If they'd gone with Joe Piscopo
Confessions of a social network junkie, 1/12/09
We don't see some things that come at us Are consumed by their apparatus And so on the hook I'm consumed by facebook (Now I need to go update my status).
If only he'd been born Canadian, 1/11/09
I just didn't know what to do With the boy; I was coming unglued. And to think I was sure That once he turned four He'd starting acting more like Caillou.
Ka-Breakfast, 1/10/09
If the soft-boiled egg that you made Is too runny, you'll be dismayed To know you can't save it If you microwave it... 'Cause it explodes like a grena de.