The Modern Curmudgeon

Before dawn I announced I was leaving. My wife was unsure of my meaning. She thought that I could Really be gone for good But bless her heart, went back to sleeping.

One thing that I would advise is, When at 4 am your baby cries, miss: If you can't be roused It ensures that your spouse Is with whom the son also rises.

I'm not a doctor, but soon I'll be Writing one who's on TV So if you've a condition I've a fake physician To dramatize your malady.

When stumped for a limerick to write I'll sit here for hours at night Try to start with "It's nice..." Only to realize It isn't, it totally bites.

Hollywood isn't just the pursuit Of the stuff fame and fortune impute No, for me it's the thought That the job I just got Has only a tiny commute.

I can only imagine the shock As my wife through the grocery store walked With our baby announcing "Cake!!" -- but pronouncing It not quite as 'cake,' but as 'cock!'

It began just about 1 am Our son started coughing and then Up came the vomit But we were right on it: Cleaned it all.  Then he did it again.

Resentment's a festering sore Only growing the more it's ignored But why play the martyr Convinced that you're smarter If anger's your only reward?

I can't say it came as a huge shock He loves Green Day and Kiss and most hard rock But for chrissakes he's four Isn't it premature To be letting the kid get a mohawk?

When will all this rain go away Making everything gloomy and gray? It's... shit! An earthquake! Are we safe? Kids awake? Never mind gentle rain, you can stay.

At the auction to benefit preschool They apparently don't think that it's cool To offer your kid No matter the bid Or maybe this year that's a new rule.

Mencken said no one ever went broke Underrating the smarts of we folk But in my estimation This morning the nation Got brighter as we all awoke

Brought to the end of our rope A nation unsure how to cope Now, poised on the brink At last we can drink From a glass, half-full, of hope

Two nights ago I drank a lot. And apparently more than I thought. 'Cause though I don't live far It was into my car That I really should not have got.

Having just returned from Disneyland, Some advice if you've a trip planned: Bring someone handicapped So you won't be trapped In those lines where you stand, stand, stand, stand.

With my sincere apologies To those of you in a deep freeze (Which, more or less Is most of the U.S.) Today it was 80 degrees.

A little dog who's gone astray We take in ('cause my wife's nice that way) But he'd better not be Here forever, i.e. He can sit -- but the dog cannot stay.

Two very good meetings today. And while normally not one to pray I'd sure like the work On this unnamed network... (USA! USA! USA!)

Look lady, everyone's dyin' So please, for god's sake just stop tryin' To fend off its effect With that crap you inject 'Cause now you just look like a lion.

Having just seen "The Wrestler" I know Mickey Rourke was the right way to go Still, I think it would Have been almost as good If they'd gone with Joe Piscopo

We don't see some things that come at us Are consumed by their apparatus And so on the hook I'm consumed by facebook (Now I need to go update my status).

I just didn't know what to do With the boy; I was coming unglued. And to think I was sure That once he turned four He'd starting acting more like Caillou.

If the soft-boiled egg that you made Is too runny, you'll be dismayed To know you can't save it If you microwave it... 'Cause it explodes like a grena de.

Tonight's babysitter was great The kids love him, both Zach and Nate He's really a find Such that I barely mind That he and my wife used to date.

For breakfast: coffee & muffin top For lunch: sandwich from the cheese shop. (It's a slow news day when you Just detail your menu) For dinner: noodles and a pork chop.

Franchise Tax Board and IRS: Please allow me to express That I feel kinda funny Giving you all this money To put into Pontiac's chest.

Some like a cat as a pet Because among the features you get Is they're naturally clean And use a latrine. Except ours -- yep, the carpet is wet.

I sure don't mind getting the discs From the studios shilling their pics But a warning'd be best For those who're depressed: "You and this movie don't mix."

That was dumb. I really should screen The things that I say but don't mean. It's as though I've no brains And my mouth has the reins And just spouts stuff that's fucking obscene.

Once in a while, I think It's important to go eat and drink With grown ups, instead Of the kids that you bred -- It might save you a trip to the shrink.

So there's this movie I'm helping to write (But I've been asked that I keep my lips tight) The one thing I'll say Is there isn't much pay. Okay, none -- but it's going all right.

Look guys, it's Mister New Year! Come in -- can we get you a beer? Hey, so that 2008 guy Leaving as you arrived? He took money from everyone here.