The Modern Curmudgeon

That rock 'n' roll dude sure looks mean But that pirate's the cutest I've seen And they're coming for you So what will you do? Give them candy -- Happy Halloween!

My children can hardly believe The candy they're set to receive That they border on spastic, So enthusiastic Are they this All Hallows' Eve's Eve.

I'd just like to thank Nate and Zach Who no longer wake in pitch black Which makes for a fun day... Or it will until Sunday When we have to turn the clocks back.

Summer left us last night, in a huff It's heat, it seems, had had enough And so gave way to The winds, how they blew Knocking over a bunch of our stuff.

My nightstand is starting to creak Beneath issues unread, so I'll seek Out a new magazine, One that I haven't seen: News-somewhat-less-than-a-week.

As lawyerly legal tricks go, This one's kinda starting to blow: I'm not bound, yet not free Because technically They haven't yet picked up the show.

It's apparent his brain is capacious As tonight he once more got loquacious Telling us how he knows The geology goes Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous.

Screaming like a banshee, a Disobedient cacophony, the Time that we'd had Gone from lovely to bad... And then came the diarrhea.

It might be too early to say But it's possible that this screenplay Is starting to break And we just might make A movie that's halfway okay.

Yesterday, I tried to write A limerick for this website But it could not be posted For the place that it's hosted Was apparently down for the night.

At last, little, one you've adjusted To preschool, decided you trusted Things would be okay While Mommy's away Which is nice. Cause her patience was busted.

Having flown back to LA Just in time for the kids' picture day We fully expect That the pics will reflect This sacrifice that we have made.

Our flight to Chicago, delayed So there in Columbus we stayed Then moved heaven and earth And through Dallas/Ft. Worth With a connection we barely made.

The cuisine of the Orient shows That virtually anything goes But the cuisine of Columbus Is less of a rumpus And this evening consists of Rubino's.

I guess no one told OSU That it's Wede's birthday, and to Not lose the game 'Cause that'd be kind of lame When she's 90 and it's just Purdue.

Skip the train to Tibet, take the flight. Skip seeing doggies that bite. And once in Beijing Just stay there, don't wing Straight away to Xi'an for one night.

Having flown back from China alive Now I just have to survive A trip to Ohio Where I have to fly to With two children, both under five.

His vocab expands unabated, So much so it seems we've created A child, age four Who can complain your Computer screen "is pixellated."

I have seen why the wall is called "Great" And Tiananmen's Square's sides are straight But the Forbidden City Was so quick to admit me A name change should probably be made.

Rolexes, Pateks, and Tags Chanel, Prada, and Vuitton bags Anything you can wear They've got it all here And it's fake -- so the prices aren't bad.

Arriving once more in Beijing (It can wear on you, the traveling) But fortunately Around here, till 3 There are places that do massaging.

The narrow road truly was scary As we drove up to the monastery So treacherous you'd a Been praying to Buddha Like I was -- and everyone near me.

Once you take it, you can't put it back This savory linguiform snack 'Cause that's what you get When you dine in Tibet: The delectable tongue of the yak.

A pickle.  A fine mess.  A stew. We may be in; what do we do If, as it seems We could be quarantined  Suspected of having swine flu.

33 hours by Train to Tibet And among the things you cannot get: Toilet paper and towels Or a place to move your bowels That isn't disgusting and wet.

From the fattiest meat to the leanest What I ate tonight was the extremest: A meal made of ox Who'd surrendered their cocks For a succulent bowlful of penis.

If you want to take some of the sting Off a 13 hour flight to Beijing Get an eye mask and then Ingest one Ambien And you won't remember a thing.

I'd really better get packing But sadly, inertia is lacking So if I want to get On that plane to Tibet Then I'd probably better get cracking.

This evening, as previously planned We we went to a faraway land Known as Sherman Oaks Where we joined with some folks And enjoyed us all some Zombieland

Tonight a most pleasant Sukkot A holiday that gets my vote For oddest accessories Lulov? Etrog? What are these? Second place: Chanukah's sufganiyot.

I said good night, it was bedtime And thought that things seemed to be fine. But he said "I can't sleep" I suggested "count sheep" Which he did. Till he reached 409.