The Modern Curmudgeon

Okay, here's how it's gonna be: Tonight was la fête du Barry And we ate and we ate And now it is late So I must bid you adieu, aujourd'hui

Toyota has warned us it's vital To act now (else we're suicidal) So wherever you are Just don't get in your car Your floor mat's become homicidal.

The day of atonement exists In order that we not persist In a life, solipsistic And then we eat brisket To make up for the food that we've missed.

Tomorrow a Jew ought to fast To atone for the sins of his past But Lord, if on that day There's a breakfast buffet And it's free -- then how long must he last?

You'd think that a stay in a suite Would be to live like the elite But if I move at all In this bed, I'll hit wall With both of the soles of my feet.

"No!" I said, with a shout And he turned himself right about "Over here?" he asked me I replied, "Yes sirree" And he put himself in time out.

There's nothing quite like when you hold your Littlest, snug on your shoulder And say, "I love you," And he says, "Love you, too." And you wish that he'd never get older.

I really should not wait until The end of the night when the will To come up with a rhyme's Just a fight against time And a search for enough syllables.

When asked to provide a CV I sift through my life, generally And sum up the stages In one or two pages Describing my work history. But I always make sure to include Some stuff that in most cases you'd Generally not expect -- Like the pages reflect I'm a literal Renaissance dude.

Does anyone know how to fix A kid who gets up before six? Cause if you have advice It sure would be nice To know if there are any tricks.

You're either one or the other: You ignore them or constantly hover. Either gab on your phone Or can't leave them alone And your name is now so-and-so's mother.

The pain in her chest came on curiously Then grew fast and ever so furiously That she couldn't breathe What is this disease? Well, apparently, it's known as pleurisy.

It's not my place to provide You the details from the inside So I can't really say Yes or no, either way Hope that's clear. And if not, well, I tried.

This limerick has not been approved. And therefore it has been removed. Once declassified Then we will provide The location where it may be viewed.

If I had it to do over I would Have said, "sorry, I sure wish I could" And then gone right to bed But, sadly, instead This evening has led to no good.

Slogans to sell Simply Sleep : "Like Ambien... only it's cheap." "Rest You Can Eat." "Triple-Z-Treat." "This Pill Contains Counted Sheep."

The reason that I have come here To DC is simple: I care. So terror we'll fight With guys who used to write Episodes of BJ & The Bear.

He's usually off counting sheep, No fuss and no muss -- not a peep. But now he can talk And so I had to walk Right back in to hear "I can't sleep."

Lower your voice. Can't you see That screaming is unnecessary? I know that you're two But for god's sake can't you Understand we are in a library?

Too soon the great ones depart And so it is with heavy heart We must bid adieu And give our thanks to A true talent, Larry Gelbart.

Dear jerkoff: I received your note Explaining how you plan to coat My curb with my address Unless I express I don't want it. So jerkoff: I don't.

Ah, the joy of compost. "I'm greener than you" you can boast As nature degrades The food waste that you made. Though the maggots are just kind of gross.

At back-to-school night the routine Is generally pretty serene But at tonight's talk There was horror and shock Involving a sewing machine.

Each year, some portion is luck Some persistence, some timing, some pluck And then there are years When you tear out your hair 'Cause the bottom line is: you just suck.

To Oxnard, in hot pursuit Of sand and surf in a swimsuit And then along came Unexpected Rainn (Wilson -- you know, 'Dwight Schrute').

The yelling, the scratching, the fighting The pulling, the tattling, the biting The spilling, the breaking The crack-of-dawn waking Children: they make life exciting.

When the credit card company's had It's data stolen, that's bad But when this snafu Ends up costing you Take injury, insult, and add.

All I heard was the "uh oh." Never even saw my glasses go Still, I searched the surf And somehow unearthed The shades from the briny below.

The back to school shopping today Took us to our local Target Where we'd not be denied The discount: applied. 'Cause you don't mess with Miss Maggie May.

Dumping the bucket was gross As the smell wafted up to my nose But the feeling I got Sort of offset the rot As we began our first compost.