The Modern Curmudgeon

Don't get me wrong, I like the sun As much as you -- or anyone But when it gets this hot It sucks when you've not Got working AC on floor 1.

The fires still rage to the east Devouring hills like a beast Making skies choke As they belch forth their smoke And wonder when we'll see relief.

Sunscreen, sweat, grease, and some grit I'm pretty much covered in it Back in the house Post two days with the Mouse™ And mostly the trip was a hit. If we could just get Zachary in The Pirates of the Carribean We'd all sing "yo ho" But he just won't go So we just took little Natesy in.

Your t-shirt proclaims "Old Guys Rule" But you kind of look like a tool Leading me to believe That your potency Depends on me being a fool.

No kids and a day at the beach Was not a concept within reach Or so I believed Because today we Had just that -- and man, was it sweet.

Analysts, based in DC Working on security And battling terror May have made an error 'Cause a panelist next month is... me.

Tibetan dog goes to Beijing Becomes rock star (I guess he can sing) The story is thin But, hey, count me in If they're paying, well hell that's something.

At last now they say he is free, Pronounced past his vast allergies And won't have to beg For a grape or an egg Unless he relapses. We'll see.

Make sure that you sunscreen the whole Of your back, at the beach or else you'll End up looking like me, Sort of red and white streaked Like a magically live barber pole.

The party: anniversary. The years since they wed: 43. The tribute: in song. The words: not all wrong. The method: bad karaoke.

The morning so clear, everyone Agreed that the beach would fun So our plans all got changed And we went. And it rained. The moral: you can't trust the sun.

"It will be fun" I was assured And a four year-old won't be ignored So together we Waded into the sea To go surfing... and I was the board.

When "up!" is a constant demand And you find yourself undermanned You learn rapidly That you can go pee And wash up with only one hand.

"He hit me" comes oft the refrain But the truth is that there is no pain Except in my hiney From you being whiny So zip it till someone's been maimed.

When people, on meeting my sons Ask me and my wife "are you done?" I say "yes, we are," And today in the car I would've been prior to one.

On the cusp of our trip to Del Mar Despite that it's not very far We've got so much shit I'm concerned it won't fit When tomorrow we pack up the car.

Corporate accounting is fun! If, I suppose you're someone Who likes to dissect Every receipt and check And can't see any use for the sun.

The producer was ready to spill All the details -- right up until You wandered our way Causing him not to say Anything. You, I'm ready to kill.

At the alcohol store with my son I had to explain there are some Who apparently feel a Bottle of tequila Should come in the shape of a gun

My brain filled with meaningless babel As tiles turn in it, the rabble Keeps me in confusion And thus the conclusion That I am addicted to Scrabble.

For months I've not had the heart To even look once at the chart Of our savings, receded Recesssion-depleted And I don't think I'm about to start.

The gas back on in our abode Allows us the washing to load And cook and take showers For hours and hours Assuming that we don't explode.

No oven or water that's hot Stove, furnace, A/C, 'cause we've got No gas to the house So we'll do without Cleaning ourselves till we rot.

We went and we pitched the movie And now simply have to wait and see If we'll write the script Or if we're just stripped Of the ideas we had, like they were free.

At the end of the day, at the hour The sun drops and shadows devour Its withdrawing rays, It at last breaks its gaze Giving in to the night's waxing power.

When you've a posse you pay, Agent, manager, WGA Lawyer and IRS CPA... it's a mess And what's left at the end of the day?

Disneyland's quite a fine time If you don't have to wait in the lines And, after several hours Back at home in the shower You're able to wash off the grime.

The smell was familiar. The kind You'd prefer not to wake up and find Turned out to be gas Which explains the blast That blew up your house and your mind.

The movies that I want to see Are had locally for no fee The library provides 'em And I digitize 'em Right on to my Apple TV.

Nice to have friends with a pool And a house that is totally cool If only the boys Wouldn't make so much noise I'd feel like less of a tool.