My Life As A Doggerel

Farewell. 12/18/10

2010-12-18T21:36:00.000-08:00

To ashes, and once more to dust

We consecrate you, here entrust

You to unending sea

And to eternity
Swallow hard. Soldier on. As we must.

Eve of destruction, 12/8/09

2009-12-08T17:01:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I turn 41.

What to do once these limericks are done?

Will my idle hands seek

Out some evil unspeak-

able once this new freedom's begun?

Roy G. Biv, 12/7/09

2009-12-07T16:53:00.000-08:00

In the night, the rain comes, the winds blow

Inundating the earth down below

But soon, sun ascends

And slowly it ends

As across the sky spreads the rainbow.

Croupier and croupier, 12/6/09

2009-12-06T23:19:00.000-08:00

I mostly don't mind the poop.

Though the vomit's thrown me for a loop.

It's the hoarse, barking cough

That at night throws me off

As I fear the poor kid's caught the croup.

Tardy, 12/5/09

2009-12-05T18:05:00.000-08:00

My apologies for being late

With the limericks I'm supposed to create

But please take consolation

In this explanation:

Some of them just aren't worth the wait.

This Limerick Has Been Delayed, 12/4/09

2009-12-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

This limerick has been delayed

For almost a week now, today

I ran out of time

So now, here's the rhyme

Which I think mostly came out okay.

I've seen your true colors, 12/3/09

2009-12-03T12:45:00.000-08:00

Irrespective, Nate, of what you think

And despite the bright hue of your drink

There's likely no chance

What you made in your pants

Will ever come out colored pink.

Such a waist, 12/02/09

2009-12-02T22:49:00.000-08:00

In a writers' room one does a dance

With the unhealthy snacks that advance

On your willpower, waning

Till you're left explaining

Why you now wear expandable pants.

Are two jobs better than one? 12/1/09

2009-12-01T12:35:00.000-08:00

That sick sinking feeling I've got

In my stomach's a Gordian Knot

As I pile on to

The work I've got to do

Which unfortunately's quite a lot.

Off Site, 11/30/09

2009-11-30T13:33:00.000-08:00

If you've the need to prepare a

Script, but you've got nowhere to

Set your laptop

Then you go set up shop

At a Starbucks. Or maybe Panera.

Divide and conquer, 11/29/09

2009-11-29T16:13:00.000-08:00

If only I could break in two

I'd be able to do what I do

More effectively

Come to think of it three's

What I'd like to be broken into.

Three to Five, 11/28/09

2009-11-28T20:47:00.000-08:00

Where have you gone, Zachary?

I remember, before you turned three

You were smiley and smart

And you filled up my heart

But now you just seem so angry.

When in San Diego, 11/27/09

2009-11-27T21:09:00.000-08:00

We could have gone to Legoland

Or swimming and played in the sand

Or gone to see Shamu

Or the park or the zoo

But we didn't. Hope you understand.

Thanksgiving, 11/26/09

2009-11-26T15:02:00.000-08:00

The family fights over seating

The football, Detroit's chances fleeting

The Macy's Parade

Casseroles all displayed

And now let us give thanks by eating.

Road Trip, 11/25/09

2009-11-25T20:31:00.001-08:00

When two boys are placed in the back

Of a car, going far, and you lack

The ability to

Play a DVD you

Might as well just tell them to attack.

Two Jobs Aren't Better Than One, 11/24/09

2009-11-24T20:25:00.000-08:00

If this movie's story won't break

This job may have been a mistake

'Cause all day and all night's

More than I want to write

And there's only so much I can take.

Rock and Roil, 11/23/09

2009-11-23T20:32:00.000-08:00

I wonder if I had a daughter

I'd be less hot under the collar

'Cause I swear I'll snap if

He keeps singing that riff

That begins the song "Smoke On The Water."

Zach's Fifth Birthday, 11/22/09

2009-11-22T19:20:00.000-08:00

A rock and roll party pastiche

With a buffet of pizza and quiche

As we blast "Back in Black"

And the children attack

Us like thirty-two freaks on a leash.

Beat (Cal), 11/21/09

2009-11-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

The more things change, they stay the same

Said someone (can't recall the name).

And having just watched

Stanford's victory botched

That someone may have meant Big Game.

A/B, See? 11/20/09

2009-11-20T22:09:00.000-08:00

"I'm going to work" he explained

The shirt he'd put on that day

"Well you look to me

Quite like a worker bee"

"Actually, Dad, he said, "worker A."

Do Not Disturb, 11/19/09

2009-11-19T22:55:00.000-08:00

All I want is to complete

One night of eight hours sleep

Without a kid yelling

Without a dog smelling

Without a cat biting my feet.

Swell Season, Lousy Upholstry, 11/18/09

2009-11-18T22:58:00.000-08:00

On a seat at the Wiltern, I sit

Springs stabbing me through fabric's split

It's a good thing the show

Really rocks, 'cause you know

I'm getting too old for this shit.

Delizioso! 11/17/09

2009-11-17T22:22:00.000-08:00

Nothing, it seems, is a treat.

You cook stuff for kids who don't eat.

And they hardly care

Until you prepare

Spaghetti and balls made of meat.

Sometimes, 11/16/09

2009-11-16T22:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes things get lost in the mail.

Sometimes you try to no avail.

Sometimes you could choke

Sometimes life's such a joke

And sometimes there's no end to its tale.

Yellow Rage, 11/15/09

2009-11-15T21:55:00.000-08:00

I understand sometimes it's rough

To be 4, when you've just had enough

But don't vent your frustration

With your micturation

In other words: don't pee on stuff.

Stanford vs. SC, 11/14/09

2009-11-14T23:12:00.001-08:00

Not in the time I've been alive

Did I think that I would survive

To witness SC

Destroyed so completely

Them: 21, Us: 55.

TMI, 11/13/09

2009-11-13T22:02:00.000-08:00

When visiting your parents you

Do some things you'd rather not do

Like make up your bed

With the thought in your head

"These are sheets on which they used to screw."

The Business, 11/12/09

2009-11-12T21:01:00.000-08:00

You've got some balls, calling me

As though we have no history

Or as if, at the end

You'd behaved as a friend

Instead of like an S.O.B.

Follow This, 11/11/09

2009-11-11T22:01:00.000-08:00

If you think TV's in the shitter

Its content not worth its transmitter

You'll be happy to know

CBS plans a show

That's based on some guy's feed on Twitter.

Perchance to dream? 11/10/09

2009-11-10T22:17:00.000-08:00

This morning at six we began

With the waking of our little man

So we brought him to bed

Hoping he'd rest his head

For a while. So much for that plan.

Is Misbehavin', 11/9/09

2009-11-09T22:26:00.000-08:00

Zachary. What do we do

With a little boy who acts like you?

Are you jealous or worried?

Your temper's so hurried

I just hope all this shall pass, too.

A Driving Force, 11/8/09

2009-11-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

I'd like to drive a limousine

Not so that I would be seen

But so when my boys

Will not stop making noise

I could raise the privacy screen.

Saturday Night Fiver, 11/7/09

2009-11-07T23:35:00.000-08:00

When you're a girl turning five

Apparently you want to jive

'Cause tonight we will go

To a birthday disco

Celebrating some stayin' alive.

I see some blue paint and I want to drink it all, 11/6/09

2009-11-06T09:33:00.000-08:00

When you're barely older than two

I suppose it's expected that you

Will sometimes ingest

Things that really aren't best

For your stomach... and make your poo blue.

The Writing Bug, 11/5/09

2009-11-05T22:10:00.000-08:00

If the screenwriting bug has you bitten,

And with visions of glamour, you're smitten

That feeling you've got

Is assuredly not

About writing. It's about having written.

Grown-up Proofing, 11/4/09

2009-11-04T19:34:00.001-08:00

It's like a breath of fresh air

Having no baby gate on the stair

And yet I still try

When I'm passing by

To avoid it, though it isn't there.

Kinderview, 11/3/09

2009-11-03T22:00:00.000-08:00

The interview went, as it should

With us praising our eldest as good:

Creative, insightful!

Completely delightful!

They would love him, I think, Wildwood.

The Switchwitch, 11/2/09

2009-11-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

Each year after candy's collected

And the Halloween spoils dissected

The Switchwitch comes back

With a toy in her sack

For the candy that you have rejected.

No Good Deed, 11/1/09

2009-11-01T21:45:00.000-08:00

At our preschool it was "Mitzvah Day"

When we take our kids and duly say:

"We're here to help others.

Sick kids, with no mothers."

And they respond, "when can we play?"

Happy Halloween! 10/31/09

2009-10-31T21:33:00.000-07:00

That rock 'n' roll dude sure looks mean

But that pirate's the cutest I've seen

And they're coming for you

So what will you do?

Give them candy -- Happy Halloween!

'Twas the night before Halloween, 10/30/09

2009-10-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

My children can hardly believe

The candy they're set to receive

That they border on spastic,

So enthusiastic

Are they this All Hallows' Eve's Eve.

Daylight savings, 10/29/01

2009-10-29T12:20:00.000-07:00

I'd just like to thank Nate and Zach

Who no longer wake in pitch black

Which makes for a fun day...

Or it will until Sunday

When we have to turn the clocks back.

The wind blows, 10/28/09

2009-10-28T22:03:00.000-07:00

Summer left us last night, in a huff

It's heat, it seems, had had enough

And so gave way to

The winds, how they blew

Knocking over a bunch of our stuff.

Newsunworthy, 10/27/09

2009-10-27T20:41:00.001-07:00

My nightstand is starting to creak

Beneath issues unread, so I'll seek

Out a new magazine,

One that I haven't seen:

News-somewhat-less-than-a-week.

Pick up game, 10/26/09

2009-10-26T22:15:00.000-07:00

As lawyerly legal tricks go,

This one's kinda starting to blow:

I'm not bound, yet not free

Because technically

They haven't yet picked up the show.

A four year-old, the three ages of dinosaurs, and two slackjawed parents, 10/25/09

2009-10-25T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's apparent his brain is capacious

As tonight he once more got loquacious

Telling us how he knows

The geology goes

Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous.

Boys in the back seat, 10/24/09

2009-10-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

Screaming like a banshee, a

Disobedient cacophony, the

Time that we'd had

Gone from lovely to bad...

And then came the diarrhea.

Optimism, 10/23/09

2009-10-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

It might be too early to say

But it's possible that this screenplay

Is starting to break

And we just might make

A movie that's halfway okay.

Technical difficulties, 10/22/09

2009-10-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I tried to write

A limerick for this website

But it could not be posted

For the place that it's hosted

Was apparently down for the night.

"You came back!" 10/21/09

2009-10-21T22:17:00.000-07:00

At last, little, one you've adjusted

To preschool, decided you trusted

Things would be okay

While Mommy's away

Which is nice. Cause her patience was busted.

I changed our flights from China, the least you can do is smile, 10/20/09

2009-10-20T22:23:00.000-07:00

Having flown back to LA

Just in time for the kids' picture day

We fully expect

That the pics will reflect

This sacrifice that we have made.

Home again, home again, 10/19/09

2009-10-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

Our flight to Chicago, delayed

So there in Columbus we stayed

Then moved heaven and earth

And through Dallas/Ft. Worth

With a connection we barely made.

East vs. West, 10/18/09

2009-10-18T15:07:00.000-07:00

The cuisine of the Orient shows

That virtually anything goes

But the cuisine of Columbus

Is less of a rumpus

And this evening consists of Rubino's.

Not getting the memo, 10/17,09

2009-10-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

I guess no one told OSU

That it's Wede's birthday, and to

Not lose the game

'Cause that'd be kind of lame

When she's 90 and it's just Purdue.

China, in hindsight, 10/16/09

2009-10-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

Skip the train to Tibet, take the flight.

Skip seeing doggies that bite.

And once in Beijing

Just stay there, don't wing

Straight away to Xi'an for one night.

Now comes the hard part, 10/15/09

2009-10-15T19:52:00.001-07:00

Having flown back from China alive

Now I just have to survive

A trip to Ohio

Where I have to fly to

With two children, both under five.

Pixellated, 10/14/09

2009-10-14T18:34:00.001-07:00

His vocab expands unabated,

So much so it seems we've created

A child, age four

Who can complain your

Computer screen "is pixellated."

Monumental Error, 10/13/09

2009-10-13T22:53:00.007-07:00

I have seen why the wall is called "Great"

And Tiananmen's Square's sides are straight

But the Forbidden City

Was so quick to admit me

A name change should probably be made.

Knock it off, 10/12/09

2009-10-13T22:53:00.005-07:00

Rolexes, Pateks, and Tags

Chanel, Prada, and Vuitton bags

Anything you can wear

They've got it all here

And it's fake -- so the prices aren't bad.

To and Fro(ttage), 10/11/09

2009-10-13T22:53:00.003-07:00

Arriving once more in Beijing

(It can wear on you, the traveling)

But fortunately

Around here, till 3

There are places that do massaging.

Ommmmmm...my god we're going to die, 10/10/09

2009-10-13T22:53:00.001-07:00

The narrow road truly was scary

As we drove up to the monastery

So treacherous you'd a

Been praying to Buddha

Like I was -- and everyone near me.

Yak, yak, yak 10/9/09

2009-10-13T22:52:00.002-07:00

Once you take it, you can't put it back

This savory linguiform snack

'Cause that's what you get

When you dine in Tibet:

The delectable tongue of the yak.

H1N1... NE1? NE1? 10/8/09

2009-10-13T22:51:00.007-07:00

A pickle. A fine mess. A stew.

We may be in; what do we do

If, as it seems

We could be quarantined

Suspected of having swine flu.

The little engine that not only could it did for 33 hours and I was on it, 10/7/09

2009-10-13T22:51:00.005-07:00

33 hours by Train to Tibet

And among the things you cannot get:

Toilet paper and towels

Or a place to move your bowels

That isn't disgusting and wet.

Cock of the Ox, 10/6/09

2009-10-13T22:51:00.003-07:00

From the fattiest meat to the leanest

What I ate tonight was the extremest:

A meal made of ox

Who'd surrendered their cocks

For a succulent bowlful of penis.

The Odyssey, 10/5/09

2009-10-13T22:51:00.001-07:00

If you want to take some of the sting

Off a 13 hour flight to Beijing

Get an eye mask and then

Ingest one Ambien

And you won't remember a thing.

Packing it in, 10/4/09

2009-10-04T09:02:00.001-07:00

I'd really better get packing

But sadly, inertia is lacking

So if I want to get

On that plane to Tibet

Then I'd probably better get cracking.

Zombieland, 10/3/09

2009-10-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

This evening, as previously planned

We we went to a faraway land

Known as Sherman Oaks

Where we joined with some folks

And enjoyed us all some Zombieland

Sukkot, 10/2/09

2009-10-02T22:09:00.001-07:00

Tonight a most pleasant Sukkot

A holiday that gets my vote

For oddest accessories

Lulov? Etrog? What are these?

Second place: Chanukah's sufganiyot.

And then he wandered out into the hall, 10/1/09

2009-10-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

I said good night, it was bedtime

And thought that things seemed to be fine.

But he said "I can't sleep"

I suggested "count sheep"

Which he did. Till he reached 409.

La Fête du Barry, 9/30/09

2009-09-30T23:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's how it's gonna be:

Tonight was la fête du Barry

And we ate and we ate

And now it is late

So I must bid you adieu, aujourd'hui

3.8 million deadly floor mats are out there, 9/29/09

2009-09-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

Toyota has warned us it's vital

To act now (else we're suicidal)

So wherever you are

Just don't get in your car

Your floor mat's become homicidal.

Yom Kippur, 9/28/09

2009-09-28T21:52:00.000-07:00

The day of atonement exists

In order that we not persist

In a life, solipsistic

And then we eat brisket

To make up for the food that we've missed.

You call that a bargain? 9/27/09

2009-09-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow a Jew ought to fast
To atone for the sins of his past
But Lord, if on that day
There's a breakfast buffet
And it's free -- then how long must he last?

The Suite Life of Zach & Natesy, 9/26/09

2009-09-26T21:13:00.000-07:00

You'd think that a stay in a suite
Would be to live like the elite
But if I move at all
In this bed, I'll hit wall
With both of the soles of my feet.

Self-Discipline, 9/25/09

2009-09-25T22:14:00.001-07:00

"No!" I said, with a shout

And he turned himself right about

"Over here?" he asked me

I replied, "Yes sirree"

And he put himself in time out.

Bedtime, 9/24/09

2009-09-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

There's nothing quite like when you hold your

Littlest, snug on your shoulder

And say, "I love you,"

And he says, "Love you, too."

And you wish that he'd never get older.

Slacker, 9/23/09

2009-09-23T22:19:00.000-07:00

I really should not wait until

The end of the night when the will

To come up with a rhyme's

Just a fight against time

And a search for enough syllables.

Codpiece and all, 9/22/09

2009-09-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

When asked to provide a CV

I sift through my life, generally

And sum up the stages

In one or two pages

Describing my work history.

But I always make sure to include

Some stuff that in most cases you'd

Generally not expect --

Like the pages reflect

I'm a literal Renaissance dude.

Too early to rise, 9/21/09

2009-09-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know how to fix

A kid who gets up before six?

Cause if you have advice

It sure would be nice

To know if there are any tricks.

Playground Parents 9/20/09

2009-09-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

You're either one or the other:

You ignore them or constantly hover.

Either gab on your phone

Or can't leave them alone

And your name is now so-and-so's mother.

A pain in the chest, 9/19/09

2009-09-19T19:24:00.000-07:00

The pain in her chest came on curiously

Then grew fast and ever so furiously

That she couldn't breathe

What is this disease?

Well, apparently, it's known as pleurisy.

Obfuscatory, 9/18/09

2009-09-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

It's not my place to provide

You the details from the inside

So I can't really say

Yes or no, either way

Hope that's clear. And if not, well, I tried.

This limerick has not been approved, 9/17/09

2009-09-17T21:43:00.001-07:00

This limerick has not been approved.

And therefore it has been removed.

Once declassified

Then we will provide

The location where it may be viewed.

A little less conversation, 9/16/09

2009-09-16T21:33:00.001-07:00

If I had it to do over I would

Have said, "sorry, I sure wish I could"

And then gone right to bed

But, sadly, instead

This evening has led to no good.

It's a Snooze, 9/15/09

2009-09-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

Slogans to sell Simply Sleep:

"Like Ambien... only it's cheap."

"Rest You Can Eat."

"Triple-Z-Treat."

"This Pill Contains Counted Sheep."

Government Work, 9/14/09

2009-09-14T21:01:00.001-07:00

The reason that I have come here
To DC is simple: I care.
So terror we'll fight
With guys who used to write
Episodes of BJ & The Bear.

2 going on 20, 9/13/09

2009-09-13T21:10:00.000-07:00

He's usually off counting sheep,

No fuss and no muss -- not a peep.

But now he can talk

And so I had to walk

Right back in to hear "I can't sleep."

Book 'Em, 9/12/09

2009-09-12T23:06:00.000-07:00

Lower your voice. Can't you see

That screaming is unnecessary?

I know that you're two

But for god's sake can't you

Understand we are in a library?

Goodbye Larry, 9/11/09

2009-09-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

Too soon the great ones depart

And so it is with heavy heart

We must bid adieu

And give our thanks to

A true talent, Larry Gelbart.

Dear Jerkoff, 9/10/09

2009-09-10T22:03:00.000-07:00

Dear jerkoff: I received your note

Explaining how you plan to coat

My curb with my address

Unless I express

I don't want it. So jerkoff: I don't.

Fly me, I'm decomposing, 9/9/09

2009-09-09T23:15:00.000-07:00

Ah, the joy of compost.

"I'm greener than you" you can boast

As nature degrades

The food waste that you made.

Though the maggots are just kind of gross.

Power Tool, 9/8/09

2009-09-08T22:09:00.001-07:00

At back-to-school night the routine

Is generally pretty serene

But at tonight's talk

There was horror and shock

Involving a sewing machine.

Fantasy Football Season 2009, 9/7/09

2009-09-07T21:30:00.001-07:00

Each year, some portion is luck

Some persistence, some timing, some pluck

And then there are years

When you tear out your hair

'Cause the bottom line is: you just suck.

Into each life, 9/6/09

2009-09-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

To Oxnard, in hot pursuit

Of sand and surf in a swimsuit

And then along came

Unexpected Rainn

(Wilson -- you know, 'Dwight Schrute').

Parenting, 9/5/09

2009-09-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

The yelling, the scratching, the fighting

The pulling, the tattling, the biting

The spilling, the breaking

The crack-of-dawn waking

Children: they make life exciting.

Citibank, 9/4/09

2009-09-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

When the credit card company's had

It's data stolen, that's bad

But when this snafu

Ends up costing you

Take injury, insult, and add.

Like flight 1549, but with a pair of sunglasses. 9/3/09

2009-09-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

All I heard was the "uh oh."

Never even saw my glasses go

Still, I searched the surf

And somehow unearthed

The shades from the briny below.

Wife 1, Corporation 0. 9/2/09

2009-09-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

The back to school shopping today

Took us to our local Target

Where we'd not be denied

The discount: applied.

'Cause you don't mess with Miss Maggie May.

Food for worms, 9/1/09

2009-09-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

Dumping the bucket was gross

As the smell wafted up to my nose

But the feeling I got

Sort of offset the rot

As we began our first compost.