Wednesday, September 30, 2009

La Fête du Barry, 9/30/09

Okay, here's how it's gonna be:
Tonight was la fête du Barry
And we ate and we ate
And now it is late
So I must bid you adieu, aujourd'hui

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

3.8 million deadly floor mats are out there, 9/29/09

Toyota has warned us it's vital
To act now (else we're suicidal)
So wherever you are
Just don't get in your car
Your floor mat's become homicidal.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Yom Kippur, 9/28/09

The day of atonement exists
In order that we not persist
In a life, solipsistic
And then we eat brisket
To make up for the food that we've missed.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

You call that a bargain? 9/27/09

Tomorrow a Jew ought to fast
To atone for the sins of his past
But Lord, if on that day
There's a breakfast buffet
And it's free -- then how long must he last?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Suite Life of Zach & Natesy, 9/26/09

You'd think that a stay in a suite
Would be to live like the elite
But if I move at all
In this bed, I'll hit wall
With both of the soles of my feet.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Self-Discipline, 9/25/09

"No!" I said, with a shout
And he turned himself right about
"Over here?" he asked me
I replied, "Yes sirree"
And he put himself in time out.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Bedtime, 9/24/09

There's nothing quite like when you hold your
Littlest, snug on your shoulder
And say, "I love you,"
And he says, "Love you, too."
And you wish that he'd never get older.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Slacker, 9/23/09

I really should not wait until
The end of the night when the will
To come up with a rhyme's
Just a fight against time
And a search for enough syllables.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Codpiece and all, 9/22/09

When asked to provide a CV
I sift through my life, generally
And sum up the stages
In one or two pages
Describing my work history.

But I always make sure to include
Some stuff that in most cases you'd
Generally not expect --
Like the pages reflect
I'm a literal Renaissance dude.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Too early to rise, 9/21/09

Does anyone know how to fix
A kid who gets up before six?
Cause if you have advice
It sure would be nice
To know if there are any tricks.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Playground Parents 9/20/09

You're either one or the other:
You ignore them or constantly hover.
Either gab on your phone
Or can't leave them alone
And your name is now so-and-so's mother.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

A pain in the chest, 9/19/09

The pain in her chest came on curiously
Then grew fast and ever so furiously
That she couldn't breathe
What is this disease?
Well, apparently, it's known as pleurisy.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Obfuscatory, 9/18/09

It's not my place to provide
You the details from the inside
So I can't really say
Yes or no, either way
Hope that's clear. And if not, well, I tried.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

This limerick has not been approved, 9/17/09

This limerick has not been approved.
And therefore it has been removed.
Once declassified
Then we will provide
The location where it may be viewed.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A little less conversation, 9/16/09

If I had it to do over I would
Have said, "sorry, I sure wish I could"
And then gone right to bed
But, sadly, instead
This evening has led to no good.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It's a Snooze, 9/15/09

Slogans to sell Simply Sleep:
"Like Ambien... only it's cheap."
"Rest You Can Eat."
"Triple-Z-Treat."
"This Pill Contains Counted Sheep."

Monday, September 14, 2009

Government Work, 9/14/09

The reason that I have come here
To DC is simple: I care.
So terror we'll fight
With guys who used to write
Episodes of BJ & The Bear.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

2 going on 20, 9/13/09

He's usually off counting sheep,
No fuss and no muss -- not a peep.
But now he can talk
And so I had to walk
Right back in to hear "I can't sleep."

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Book 'Em, 9/12/09

Lower your voice. Can't you see
That screaming is unnecessary?
I know that you're two
But for god's sake can't you
Understand we are in a library?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Goodbye Larry, 9/11/09

Too soon the great ones depart
And so it is with heavy heart
We must bid adieu
And give our thanks to
A true talent, Larry Gelbart.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dear Jerkoff, 9/10/09

Dear jerkoff: I received your note
Explaining how you plan to coat
My curb with my address
Unless I express
I don't want it. So jerkoff: I don't.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Fly me, I'm decomposing, 9/9/09

Ah, the joy of compost.
"I'm greener than you" you can boast
As nature degrades
The food waste that you made.
Though the maggots are just kind of gross.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Power Tool, 9/8/09

At back-to-school night the routine
Is generally pretty serene
But at tonight's talk
There was horror and shock
Involving a sewing machine.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Fantasy Football Season 2009, 9/7/09

Each year, some portion is luck
Some persistence, some timing, some pluck
And then there are years
When you tear out your hair
'Cause the bottom line is: you just suck.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Into each life, 9/6/09

To Oxnard, in hot pursuit
Of sand and surf in a swimsuit
And then along came
Unexpected Rainn
(Wilson -- you know, 'Dwight Schrute').

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Parenting, 9/5/09

The yelling, the scratching, the fighting
The pulling, the tattling, the biting
The spilling, the breaking
The crack-of-dawn waking
Children: they make life exciting.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Citibank, 9/4/09

When the credit card company's had
It's data stolen, that's bad
But when this snafu
Ends up costing you
Take injury, insult, and add.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Like flight 1549, but with a pair of sunglasses. 9/3/09

All I heard was the "uh oh."
Never even saw my glasses go
Still, I searched the surf
And somehow unearthed
The shades from the briny below.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Wife 1, Corporation 0. 9/2/09

The back to school shopping today
Took us to our local Target
Where we'd not be denied
The discount: applied.
'Cause you don't mess with Miss Maggie May.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Food for worms, 9/1/09

Dumping the bucket was gross
As the smell wafted up to my nose
But the feeling I got
Sort of offset the rot
As we began our first compost.