Thursday, April 30, 2009

What I learned today during our mandatory seminar, 4/30/09

If you're at work and make a pass
At a co-worker, you have harassed
Them sexually
So please don't say to me
"Morning, Jon. How are you? Love the ass."

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Special skills: horseback riding, being loud, not going to bed. 4/29/09

When applying your son to grade K
You must be certain to say
That though he's just four
He really much more
Than contained on his short resumé.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Overreaction? 4/28/09

My wife's sniffling and coughing, too.
And so I know what I must do:
Lock us all indoors
Until that I'm sure
That we don't have the swine flu.

Monday, April 27, 2009

¿Why Dios, Why? 4/27/09

If I lived in Mexico, I
Might be wondering ¿Why, Dios, Why?
El Swine Flu, El Quake,
What did we do to make
You so wrathful at us?  Ay yi yi.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

For a limited time only, 4/26/09

Each year it all starts so merrily
(Though we leave feeling guilty and warily)
Then once it's begun
We forget, for our fun
Too soon must end, anniversarily.

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Anniversary, 4/25/09

The tradition once more goes on
Though I'm wondering, is it wrong
To commemorate
Our wedding date
Simply by sleeping past dawn?

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, April 24, 2009

Anniversary, 4/24/09

I am ready for the massage.
The sleep and the badinage.
I know what I need
And with speed I'll proceed.
Yes, it's time to cut to the Montage.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Twits with Tweets, 4/23/09

Sorry.  I just don't get Twitter.
Like I want to know all the shit you're
Doing right now!
And what, why and how!
Or maybe I'm just old and bitter.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Dead Money, 4/22/09

I fail to see how GM
Can be viable ever again
And as soon as they're dead
We'll be smacking our head
And ask "why'd we give billions to them?"

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Comedy Solo, 4/21/09

My script, well received, yet a few
Notes that I've got to go through
And they're running behind,
"So Jon, if you don't mind,
Could you punch up the first five scripts too?"

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Night Terror, 4/20/09

A child asleep, I have thought
Is a joy, an adorable tot.
Except for mine
Who wakes up all the time
Screaming, "Daddy!" like he's just been shot.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Ah, 4/19/09

This weekend, I'm pleased to report
Is actually feeling too short.
Filled with fun and friends
It began. Now it ends
With a cigar and a nice glass of port.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Apples to Apples, 4/18/09

You left, and you weren't coming back
For some time, we'd been on the wrong track.
You were finicky. Skittish.
So at last now we're finished.
You are dead. Long live my new Mac.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Writing is rewriting, 4/17/09

The script is done. Which is exciting
To think it may soon be delighting
The suits; but their laughter
Will fade, and then after
That come the notes and rewriting.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Yellow River, 4/16/09

My son has determined it's great
When disinclined to shooting straight
To aim at the wall
Or anything at all
When he goes to urinate.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Tax Day "Tea Parties", 4/15/09

The world hasn't spun off its axis
Just 'cause we have to pay taxes
But mad at Obama
Fox drums up the drama
And goes into anaphylaxsis

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Under the weather, 4/15/09

My left ear is totally clogged
Like half of me is waterlogged
Also, it's aching
And ringing, thus making
This whole day a bit of a slog.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Call me responsible, 4/13/09

Our bosses have both left the state!
Which, theoretically's great
'Cause we can leave early
So why the hell were we
All sitting there until 8?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Procrastination, 4/12/09

It's too late for limericks tonight
I got a script I gotta write
And I'm on a deadline
So there isn't time
For me to sit here being trite.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Because on other nights dinner isn't preceded by a lecture, 4/11/09

At tonight's Passover seder
It became clear that sooner, not later
Having started to talk
It was us versus clock
Till the kids turned the house to a crater.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Length Matters, 4/10/09

When writing a comedy
The writers believed, generally
That not writing jokes
Meant the drama folks
Had much simpler jobs than had we.

But now I sing a different song
'Cause I see that opinion was wrong:
No, you don't have to be
Writing hilarity
But your script has to be twice as long.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Not K for P, 4/9/09

Today it's Passover and I
Am aware there're things I'm denied
But at lunch it was deli
So now in my belly
Is half a pastrami on rye.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Perfect Crime, 4/8/09

When I noticed some ink on a toy
My son suddenly became coy
And explained, "Wasn't me,
Because god was asleep.
So he didn't see me." Oh boy.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sword Twit, 4/7/09

On some level yes, it's instructive
And I don't mean to be too reductive
But I think if Word Twist
Were to cease to exist
I would probably be more productive

Monday, April 6, 2009

Rotten Apple, 4/6/09

I push the button in back
And the screen lights up... and then goes black.
Once again I
Need a power supply
For my rapidly aging iMac.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Sunday with Zach, 4/5/09

First a swim at the YMCA
Then a pancake and shake déjuner
Then we bike to the shore
To goof off some more
My son, 'twas a hell of a day.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Out of the mouths of 1 year-olds, 4/4/09

There's no pond nearby. That's good luck.
If there were we'd more often get stuck
Explaining the word
You could swear you just heard:
Was just 'frog', though it sounded like 'fuck'.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Solution/Dissolution, 4/3/09

Our problems won't cease to exist
And our troubles will surely persist
So let's fill a cup
Full of wine, bring it up
And then gently bend at the wrist

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Could be worse. Could be coal mining, 4/2/09

All work and no play's said to make
Jack a dull boy. The mistake
Is that I'm not Jack
Though work's breaking my back
Yet I still can't seem to catch a break.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Last Limerick, 4/1/09

This will be the last thing I'll say:
Life can no longer go on this way.
So I've gotten a gun
And I've gone on the run
Mark my words. Mark the date. Mark the day.