Saturday, February 28, 2009

Also, I may have broken my pinkie, 2/28/09

I caught a ball deep for a score
But, it's been six, seven years -- maybe more
Since I went to play
Football on Saturday
So in the morning I'm gonna be sore.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Wherein Jeff Wachtel blesses the showrunners, 2/27/09

As a writer you get used to this:
Some things hit, while others miss
So I'm happy to say
That as of today
Our ideas were received with a kiss

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Or, maybe it's just a coincidence, 2/26/09

From what my wife says now our boy
Is a sweetheart.  A dreamboat.  A joy.
And this seems to be
Because till recently
I was at home, unemployed.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Honey, I don't have time to read limericks, I got work to do, 2/25/09

This evening at work I debuted
A character differently-hued
I channelled a nurse
Who was black -- and what's worse
Was full of clichéd attitude.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Fortunately, guinea pigs taste awful, 2/24/09

My son has a few allergies,
To walnuts, mushrooms, and blueberries
Corn, shrimp, and potatoes
Whole wheat, eggs, and tomatoes
Grapes, guinea pigs, chicken, and horsies.

Monday, February 23, 2009

I've narrowed the suspects down to 1,335,962,132 people, 2/23/09

Someone did just as they pleased
With my Paypal account that they seized
Control of last night
Which they stole from outright
And all I know is they're Chinese.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Oscars 2008/2009, 2/22/09

With the inspired words of Sean Penn
And the corpse of Sophia Loren
Tonight reminds me
Of the films I've yet to see
Including "No Country For Old Men"

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, February 21, 2009

If you want it done right, don't ask me, 2/21/09

I just needed to pick up the table
My wife bought, and she felt I was able.
So I went with our son
Where I got the wrong one
Because I did not read the label.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Warm milk at 3, 2/20/09

3am pretty much stinks
When the baby thinks he needs a drink
On those nights I guess
I get, more or less
Somewhere around 32 winks.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Telling Stories, 2/19/09

Peeking from behind his door
Then tiptoing out onto the floor
He announces he's stayed up,
That a story he's made up,
"Can I tell it?  Just five minutes more?"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Let Them Go Bankrupt, 2/18/09

Not a dime, not one penny more
To GM and to Chrysler for
Their mismanagement
It's time that they went
The way of the dinosaur.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be realtors, 2/17/09

I know it's wrong to generalize
But I've learned not to be surprised
By real estate "pros"
Whose ability blows
It's a profession I've come to despise.

Monday, February 16, 2009

A Confusing Piece of Volunteer Work, 2/16/09

Hannah Montana's a show
I researched today so I'd know
How to write this Purim thing
To air online this spring.
It's confusing, right?  Yeah, I thought so.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

No Cookie Is An Island, 2/15/09

I altered the old recipe
With pecans and dark chocolate, to see
If, as I presumed
I need not ask for whom
The house tolled, it tolled for me.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

On Valentine's Day, 2/14/09

She said "I'll see you at 8"
But I wasn't sure it was a date
And now, ten years later
(And yes, I did date her)
She's my wife -- so it must have been fate.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday the 13th - Part 1, 2/13/09

Triskadekaphobics, beware!
For today is the day that you fear
And the bad news for you
Is if you make it through
It happens two more times this year.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Why I'm dining out tonight instead of on the 14th, 2/12/08

A restaurant on Valentine's Day
Is a prix fixe romantic cliché
Filled with neophytes
While the true sybarites
Stay at home and make something gourmet.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Bittersweet, 2/11/09

As off to the office I'm going
The hardest part is the not knowing
If I'll be return home
Before my boys have flown
To their beds, leaving my heart Yo-Yoing.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

"Dear USA Network...", 2/10/09

Economically we've all been stamped on
So I get it -- now you're not so amped on
A show where you see
Lives of prosperity
But for god's sake, it's set in the Hamptons.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Lining my own pockets, 2/9/09

Frasier's box set, Season 8
I just purchased, and now contemplate:
Is the .3 percent
I earn on what I spent
Income or just a rebate? 

Sunday, February 8, 2009

See how I'm jumping, jumping, jumping, 2/8/09

The new trampoline's pretty sweet.
Sure to be the envy of the street.
But who'd Zach invite
To first share this delight?
A kid with two casts on her feet.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Might As Well Jump, 2/7/09

We just got a trampoline
So our kids can go blow off some steam
And 'cause pediatricians
Are lovely physicians
But there are ER docs we haven't seen.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Headache, 2/6/09

Our writers' room lights are fluorescent
Which is getting to be most unpleasant.
By the end of the day
My wits are all frayed
And my brain has become too tumescent.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

One Limerick About 25 Things, 2/5/09

Your facebook friends were unaware
Of so much that you had to share
Random things, twenty five
All about your life
And 26 is: they don't care.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Jon . . . Imagine Your Poem Featured On A Page By Itself In A Beautiful Coffee-Table Edition! 2/4/09

"Congratulations!" They say
"Your poem is top notch, grade A!
And here, take a look
It's in this fine book
How'd you like buy one today?"

But I think this might be a ruse
'Cause if I had a poem to choose
It wouldn't be mine
(Not that it isn't fine)
I'll include it for you to peruse:

"I've come up with a groundbreaking thesis
That could prove more important than Jesus
It's... wait, on second thought
Perhaps maybe it's not.
Damn. I hope nobody reads this."

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Good Fortune, 2/3/09

The bad news is so hard to avoid
As this country slips into a void
So uneconomical
It's almost comical
That now I find myself employed.

Monday, February 2, 2009

I know he's only 4, but if he's gonna make stuff up then so am I, 2/2/09

"A ghost bit my finger," he said
Trying not to go to bed
"That can't be," I replied
Guiding him back inside
"When ghosts bite you, they go for the head."

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Pittsburgh vs. Arizona, 2/1/09

You know that the world is confused
When the Superbowl ads that you used
To look forward to
Instead kinda blew
And the game is what had you enthused.