Saturday, January 31, 2009

This Morning, 1/31/09

Before dawn I announced I was leaving.
My wife was unsure of my meaning.
She thought that I could
Really be gone for good
But bless her heart, went back to sleeping.

With apologies to Ernest Hemingway, but I've been up since 4 am, 1/31/09


One thing that I would advise is,
When at 4 am your baby cries, miss:
If you can't be roused
It ensures that your spouse
Is with whom the son also rises.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Royal Pains, 1/30/09

I'm not a doctor, but soon I'll be
Writing one who's on TV
So if you've a condition
I've a fake physician
To dramatize your malady.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I Got Nothin', 1/29.09

When stumped for a limerick to write
I'll sit here for hours at night
Try to start with "It's nice..."
Only to realize
It isn't, it totally bites.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Sometimes It's The Small Things, 1/28/09

Hollywood isn't just the pursuit
Of the stuff fame and fortune impute
No, for me it's the thought
That the job I just got
Has only a tiny commute.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Just to be clear, it was the baby yelling, 1/27/09

I can only imagine the shock
As my wife through the grocery store walked
With our baby announcing
"Cake!!" -- but pronouncing
It not quite as 'cake,' but as 'cock!'

Monday, January 26, 2009

Spew Take Two, 1/26/09

It began just about 1 am
Our son started coughing and then
Up came the vomit
But we were right on it:
Cleaned it all.  Then he did it again.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

A man asks himself a hard question, 1/25/09

Resentment's a festering sore
Only growing the more it's ignored
But why play the martyr
Convinced that you're smarter
If anger's your only reward?

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Hairstyles of the young & shameless, 1/24/09

I can't say it came as a huge shock
He loves Green Day and Kiss and most hard rock
But for chrissakes he's four
Isn't it premature
To be letting the kid get a mohawk?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Rain, rain, go aaaaaaaaaaaaagh! 1/23/09

When will all this rain go away
Making everything gloomy and gray?
It's... shit! An earthquake!
Are we safe? Kids awake?
Never mind gentle rain, you can stay.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Do I hear $50 for a gently used child? 1/22/09

At the auction to benefit preschool
They apparently don't think that it's cool
To offer your kid
No matter the bid
Or maybe this year that's a new rule.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

By Dawn's Early Light, 1/21/09

Mencken said no one ever went broke
Underrating the smarts of we folk
But in my estimation
This morning the nation
Got brighter as we all awoke

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Inauguration, 1/20/09

Brought to the end of our rope
A nation unsure how to cope
Now, poised on the brink
At last we can drink
From a glass, half-full, of hope

Monday, January 19, 2009

So that happened, 1/19/09

Two nights ago I drank a lot.
And apparently more than I thought.
'Cause though I don't live far
It was into my car
That I really should not have got.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

If by "happiest" they mean expensive and tiring, then yes, it's the happiest place on Earth, 1/18/09

Having just returned from Disneyland,
Some advice if you've a trip planned:
Bring someone handicapped
So you won't be trapped
In those lines where you stand, stand, stand, stand.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

This is what we get in exchange for living with earthquakes, fires, and paparazzi, 1/17/09

With my sincere apologies
To those of you in a deep freeze
(Which, more or less
Is most of the U.S.)
Today it was 80 degrees.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Because we already have a dog, two cats, and two children, that's why, 1/16/09

A little dog who's gone astray
We take in ('cause my wife's nice that way)
But he'd better not be
Here forever, i.e.
He can sit -- but the dog cannot stay.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Fingers Crossed, 1/15/09

Two very good meetings today.
And while normally not one to pray
I'd sure like the work
On this unnamed network...
(USA! USA! USA!)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Upon Seeing Your Bad Facelift in the Ralph's Parking Lot, 1/14/09

Look lady, everyone's dyin'
So please, for god's sake just stop tryin'
To fend off its effect
With that crap you inject
'Cause now you just look like a lion.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Why I'm Not In Casting, 1/13/09

Having just seen "The Wrestler" I know
Mickey Rourke was the right way to go
Still, I think it would
Have been almost as good
If they'd gone with Joe Piscopo

Monday, January 12, 2009

Confessions of a social network junkie, 1/12/09

We don't see some things that come at us
Are consumed by their apparatus
And so on the hook
I'm consumed by facebook
(Now I need to go update my status).

Sunday, January 11, 2009

If only he'd been born Canadian, 1/11/09

I just didn't know what to do
With the boy; I was coming unglued.
And to think I was sure
That once he turned four
He'd starting acting more like Caillou.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Ka-Breakfast, 1/10/09

If the soft-boiled egg that you made
Is too runny, you'll be dismayed
To know you can't save it
If you microwave it...
'Cause it explodes like a grenade.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Sitter-X, 1/9/09

Tonight's babysitter was great
The kids love him, both Zach and Nate
He's really a find
Such that I barely mind
That he and my wife used to date.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Consumed, 1/8/09

For breakfast: coffee & muffin top
For lunch: sandwich from the cheese shop.
(It's a slow news day when you
Just detail your menu)
For dinner: noodles and a pork chop.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Remember the Aztek! 1/7/09

Franchise Tax Board and IRS:
Please allow me to express
That I feel kinda funny
Giving you all this money
To put into Pontiac's chest.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Joy of Pets, 1/6/09

Some like a cat as a pet
Because among the features you get
Is they're naturally clean
And use a latrine.
Except ours -- yep, the carpet is wet.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Oscar Loves Misery, 1/5/09

I sure don't mind getting the discs
From the studios shilling their pics
But a warning'd be best
For those who're depressed:
"You and this movie don't mix."

Sunday, January 4, 2009

How to Piss Off Your Wife, 1/4/08

That was dumb. I really should screen
The things that I say but don't mean.
It's as though I've no brains
And my mouth has the reins
And just spouts stuff that's fucking obscene.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Sanity in Dining Out, 1/3/08

Once in a while, I think
It's important to go eat and drink
With grown ups, instead
Of the kids that you bred
-- It might save you a trip to the shrink.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Hollywood Pro (Bono), 1/2/09

So there's this movie I'm helping to write
(But I've been asked that I keep my lips tight)
The one thing I'll say
Is there isn't much pay.
Okay, none -- but it's going all right.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Good Riddance, 1/1/09

Look guys, it's Mister New Year!
Come in -- can we get you a beer?
Hey, so that 2008 guy
Leaving as you arrived?
He took money from everyone here.