Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Yeah, I know, it's inappropriate, 12/31/08

Let's celebrate, it's the new year!
2009's finally here!
And it's not a bit shockin'
That Dick Clark's still rockin'
(Only now it's in a rockin' chair).

Wheee. 12/31/08

I guess that you know you're old when
You find it a moment of zen
Not commemorating
New Year's Eve celebrating
But by watching it on CNN.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Summary Judgement, 12/30/08

A playdate, My mother, Aunt G...
Sister, Nephew, remove xmas tree...
Meet gate fix-it guy...
Guess it's no wonder I
Am exhausted.  It's 7:03.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Grading on a curve, 12/29/08

Once again it's that time of year to
Take a moment, reflect, and review.
And having reviewed
I've come to conclude
That 2008 gets an F.U.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

My Current State of Mind, 12/28/08

Tonight I'm in a foul mood
Feeling like I just might come unglued
Over job prospects (few)
And what I may have to do
If I don't get work soon... man, I'm screwed.

But at least I haven't been laid off
Or lost money to that Bernie Madoff
I'm just unemployed
And kind of annoyed
Which I guess isn't too bad a tradeoff.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Epic Limerick Sequence #1, 12/27/08

This evening my Mom hits the floor
I think, "Oh God, she's dying for sure."
And then in runs my son
Screams, "I called 911!"
Which turns out to be premature.

As my Mother, it seems, is just fine
And just needs a moment of time.
And fortunately
We never did teach
Our son to first check for a line.

So the lesson here?  Make sure that you
Teach your four year-old that you have to
1. Pick up the phone.
2. Get a dial tone.
Or 911's pretty much moot.

Friday, December 26, 2008

I'll Level With You, 12/26/08

A guy asked me, "Jon, why the limerick?"
(For our purposes, let's just call him 'Rick').
And I said, "Honestly,
Rick, between you and me,
Sometimes a guy just needs a gimmick."

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Engorged, 12/25/08

Enough of you, Christmas Day!
With your chocolates, your cheeses, filet,
Your cocktails, your pie,
And your wine... Jesus Christ.
I have no idea what I weigh.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

'Twas The Night, 12/24/08

'Tis the season when I make a big fuss
(A sore spot twixt me and the missus
'Cause she likes a tree
And not so much, me).
Ah, to hell with it: Good Erev Christmas.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Fantasy/Reality, 12/23/08

When will I learn, I ask, when
That my teams made of fake football men
Bring no fantasy glory
Just the same old sad story.
And yet next year I'll do it again.

My Son, My Son, 12/22/08

I don't know what goes on in that brain
It's like he's on speed or cocaine
The meltdowns, the growling
The babbling, the scowling
Is he four... or is he insane?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Hanukkah Hints for Hapless Husbands, 12/21/08

The first night of Hanukkah's fun.
A gift shows you care for someone.
Unless you forgot
In which case you ought
To get to the jewelry store, son.

Bright & Solitary Morning, 12/21/08

The morning was perfectly clear
And the stroller was loaded with gear
To the park, boys, let's go!
Let's meet folks we don't know!
But we were the only ones there.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Two little letters. 12/20/08

My name's Jon. So I think if you
Have known me since '92
You'll know why it's hard
To like the Christmas card
That you mailed to "Maggie & Lou."

Friday, December 19, 2008

Too Much Information, 12/19/08

Maybe I've lost more weight than I thought
'Cause today when I sat on the pot
It was one of those johns
That'll flush once you're gone 
But I was there and it just wouldn't stop.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


All this ink that's increasingly red
Is starting to mess with my head.
And I fear for my wife
And my kids. And our life
If I don't start winning more bread.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Snap, it's cold! 12/17/08

I seriously think we may freeze.
The rain's cold and the wind whips the trees
As though some cosmic joke
On we poor L.A. folk.
Like, I swear, it's like fifty degrees.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

'Tis the F*&%ing Season, 12/16/08

You would have been screaming, too.
Ninety minutes in line just so you
Could get a quick pic
Of your kids with St. Nick
And the irony is I'm a Jew.

Life with a 4 year-old, 12/16/08

The 5am wake-up's fantastic!
I spring from my bed like elastic!
Up for some fun
Hours before the sun!
Note: I am being sarcastic.

Monday, December 15, 2008

My Kid's on Drugs, 12/15/08

My eldest son's still got bronchitis
His lungs filled with a phlegmy detritus
So now we're to fill him
With Amoxicillin
'Cause the Zithromax helped just the slightest.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Happy 3rd Birthday, Jack! 12/14/08

Today my nephew turned three
And there was a most lovely party
The food was fantastic
And he received lots of plastic
Crap -- and some was from me.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

12/13/08 (Bonus!)

Amuse bouche, petits fours, Cabernet...
I could get used to eating this way.
Still, all this ingestion
Leaves me with a question:
Is one a gourmand or gourmet?

7am 12/13/08

Runnning through Rutherford's vines
Cold moon faces the warming sunrise
Footfalls pound as I forge
Cross a dry river gorge
Snapping half-pickled bones back to life.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, December 12, 2008

From Napa, 12/12/08

To many a restaurant I've wandered
Dined finely, drunk deeply and pondered:
"How good was that meal?"
But right now I feel
Nothing beats having been Frenchly Laundered.

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, December 11, 2008


The French Laundry doesn't clean clothes
But it judges them -- for heaven knows
A man wearing jeans
Isn't fit to be seen
And so off to Brooks Brothers we go.

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


An amazing thing happened today!
Not to me.  But sometimes that's the way
One's life goes: it's just life.
Oh, I had lunch with my wife
And I shopped.  And... that's all I've to say.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My life as a doggerel

This is a "project" I've been contemplating for a while now.

I'm going to attempt to document the next year of my life -- my 40th -- in verse.  One a day.  

Currently, the plan is for limericks.  But I make no promises.  There may be haiku.  

So here it is, the night of my 40th birthday.  Installment #1:

Once you're 40 they say you're in "Act Two."
In Scene 1 of mine I found out that you
Should not celebrate
With a toddler (irate)
At a restaurant you want to go back to.